Everyone is always sending in emails asking us where it all started. I’ll tell you where, so pull up a chair or don’t leave the toilet. It’s your business how you read my fine magazine.
I am J.H. Mutantstein, I come from a long line of financiers and industrialists. My great grandfather decided to make a newspaper called The Mutant Bunker in 1965. This newspaper provided all the entertainment news and funny jabs at fashion and culture. Women’s ankles on TV?! Salacious!
The first Mutant Bunker office was in an old factory on 5th street. Over the years we moved out to the West Coast, because America has always been good to us. We got to a point when other papers were actually complaining that they couldn’t compete with our high quality journalism.
Rockefeller hated my grandfather. He was much better at screwing rubes out of money than Rockefeller but unfortunately Rockefeller still he had the resources and political clout to ruin my grandfather’s business. And so he did. I don’t blame him, it was the way of the world back then.
When I brought this paper back in 2000 it was just a tiny little tabloid made up mostly of jabs at all the weirdos on the internet. This led me to get added to many lists on alphabet agencies because they can’t take a joke. You never see a bald eagle laugh after all. That’s what The Mutant Bunker is all about, the laughter.
You see, we’re a family business. My son H.J. Mutantstein will some day take the reigns of this empire I have built and even though he is a child his business acumen is incredible. He decided to lay off 200 employees before Christmas and funnel the savings into a philanthropy campaign that really saved our reputation at the last gala fundraiser.
Anyway as you read through our stories today, I want you to consider the history and family story in this magazine. It has come a long way since the day the Pinkertons billy clubbed my grandpappy for wanting to earn a living and I fear it won’t be the last.
We’re an American company, we believe in America. We’re also an internet company who believes in the internet. Each person here has to be jumped into the gang. Just like everything else in life, you either jump in or sink. After the bruises heal you’re given a typewriter and two cigarettes a day until you get 1000 views on your article. After that you get a turkey sandwich but no cigarettes. We call it the cold turkey bonus package. Don’t ask about the severance package, we have too many potters fields on campus.
Now if you’re thinking “ok what kind of articles do they put out?” the answer is: Yes!
Naked ladies are okay, fat people are okay, scientists with massive penis envy are okay (we love ’em), dogs, horses with people problems, celebrity gossip I heard from insane people, geniuses that have never been kissed, ugly girls who just need to take off their glasses, cats, religious nut job, reformed sex workers, found workaholics, people whose mothers are nagging them about things they don’t care about, anything on the internet not linked by decency.
We’d rather cover the issues that people are too afraid to say. We speak the words you think so you don’t have to say them. This is why you pay us the big bucks!
I think to myself would grandpa be proud of the paper now? I think he would, but then again maybe the guy from USA Today would probably punch me for daring to speak out about the real issues today. Lord knows they won’t do it!
We’re not degenerates, but we’re not here to pay you compliments. So, sit down and read ‘the bunker’ while you have a chuckle perfectly reasonable for this quality of writing. Go ahead, let it out. Laughter is good medicine, even my grandpa knew it.
The Mutant Bunker might not exist 100 years from now with the way America is going but we believe in freedom of speech and the freedom of the press. It is our hope that these two will always go hand in hand, God Bless America.