Dungeons and Dragons is the only game that lets us be an annoying elf bard who is allergic to goblins and we love it!
My character is a badass! He talks like Michael Stipe from R.E.M., wears an oversized cloak, stays at campfires all night instead of sleeping in a cave full of monsters, sings melancholy folk ballads that insult every evil monster, then disappears into fog with guitar solos playing.
When I play with my friends, however, my character gets a serious inferiority complex! Sure, he can kick anyone’s ass in the forest, but he also hides his precious gold pouches in drawers behind a beautiful decorative pot lid he got off QVC. (Oh yes he did!)
Let’s say you’re a new player who doesn’t quite know anything about dungeons nor dragons, what do you do? Follow these tips for rolling the perfect D&D characters.
How to roll the best D&D character sheets
1. First impressions are everything. Dress appropriately to make your character instantly noticeable. Pink pubic wig? Of course because nothing is impossible in The Forgotten Realms!
2. Be proud of your bad personality traits. Don’t apologize to your adversaries. It makes you a terrible role model. Show no fear, just be hardcore like your hero Drizzt Tyler Durden.
3. Stick to the kobolds until you can fight the orcs. Seriously, orcs fucking suck. Go with dwarves if you have any interest at all in improving your situation.
4. Believe in yourself as the reincarnation of Gygax himself, make your own rules! Or everyone else’s if necessary. Rule over life, afterlife, material wealth and metaphorical dwarven mines with this much influence is easier than one might think, so long as your skills run toward shamanism, divination and elemental magic. NO EXCEPTIONS, NEWBIE!
5. You can be anything you want as long as the super cool dungeon master is alright with it. What is a dungeon master or DM, you ask? It’s a guy who likes to boss wizards around in his free time. Ignore that bastard anyways. He’s kind of crazy. Like buying thirty containers of jello because you want to eat the color yellow for a month. Trust me on this.
6. When given the opportunity to hire help, always accept the humanoid hirelings first. Don’t trust the orcs, they’ll steal your car stereo and pawn your jewelry for orc drugs. Leave them after the second quest and always pay extra for the friendliest jerks who will stab your adversaries gladly.
7. You can find out everything you need to know about Dungeons & Dragons by watching every D&D movie ever made in sequence. Once you realize they all suck, get ready for the dungeon master to put training wheels on your imagination and inhibit it by doing esoteric math equations! What’s more fun on a Friday night?
8. Be a stereotype if it makes you happy. Dwarves start singing “Brother Bald the Axe” and suddenly the battle turns to karaoke around 11PM. Then you have your dwarven cake and your ale too!
9. Don’t stand around chewing twigs while it’s raining. Your invisibility cannot hold up forever. Use “flee” instead. People will definitely follow you better then. Walk faster even when alone, maybe kill half of those newbies before showing off your character’s amulets. Ladies watch out, I got my family jewels in this pouch swinging around my neck!
10. If possible, wear a large bowler hat as part of your game night apparel. Maybe they’ll finally let your character have cybernetics if you dress for success!
11. You don’t actually need potions to heal damage, green bean soup is just fine. TELL YOUR DM IT’S THE BEST!
12. Don’t pee yourself looking at the monster manual. I know they’re all very scary but the bugbear can’t hurt you my child. There’s more important things in life. LIKE FREAKING OUT!
13. In case you were planning on having fun during the sessions, think again! Dungeons and dragons is serious business done by serious people. They don’t like to have laughter interrupt their discussions. In fact, it takes TWO wizards standing by together to allow room in-between the players’ play talk. And then it may require them to pause the conversation altogether, while making eye contact. Especially when using metaphor questions involving endangered wildlife, like turtles eating peanuts. (Peanut allergies make them endangered! Such majestic creatures…)
14. No girls allowed at game time. What are you some kind of homosexual? Wanting to bring a girl to game night, ok what’s next letting them not make you sandwiches? This isn’t gym class, there are certain social rules that the D&D community must uphold at all costs. All invited are required to leave their females at their brooding palaces as wenches are nothing more than concubines in the eyes of the dungeon master!