I’m 18, I’ve Seen A Few Things

Hey kid, let me break it to you. The world is gonna let you down when you hit 18. Let me tell you why, and what to do about it.

You see once you hit the big ONE-EIGHT, your whole life is over. Your parents will go away on business trips to India for two weeks, with instructions not to bring you along. You’ll watch TV shows like Dancing With the Stars while munching on peanut butter cups. You’ll get to stay up late, fall asleep and wake up failing college.

How do I know this? It happened to me!

Your best friends will go to college while you’ll be stuck at community college studying god knows what but it’ll shut your mom up while you smoke weed and play League all day. You can have a bunch of girlfriends that you can’t trust. They won’t last, so you’ll become estranged from them as well.

In reality, they were bad people anyway.

Work sux

Then you gotta work, ugh you’ll work for some guy named Bobby who is 47 who has worked there since high school. When he comes in to give you directions, he tells everyone you are his son, then walks out. He asks you if you want a soda, and by the time you drink it he leaves. Just like your real dad!

Work sucks, real bad. You get paid nothing to do everything! No fair! One day you’ll accidentally walk into the lunchroom, and Steve the IT guy will be making dumb jokes he read on reddit to substitute his lack of a personality.

You’ll try for a promotion but you’ll be told, you’re too young. You’ve been told that before. So every night after work, you’d sit alone in your room smoking one cigarette after another and say to yourself, “I’m a loser.” Then next thing you know, you’ll turn on the news, and someone your age is kicking ass at life.

Then Bobby comes in and tells you, “Got time to lean, got time to clean.” And you’ll spend more time watching YouTube videos of guys winning races than doing your own job. Your girlfriend will leave you because you’re working all the time and trying to pass your college classes. It’s rough, enjoy the youth kid, once you’re 18 it is fucking over!

There you have it

From 18 – 22 you don’t exist. Like maybe your mom will mail you some money but other than that, you’re on your own. College is rough, work is bullshit and girls are fucking liars who spend all my money!

I know everything about the world so let me just repeat everything Jordan Peterson ever said like it relates to anything. Don’t touch yourself unless you mean it. Have fun while it lasts. What’s important is becoming self-sufficient in an adult manner. Make sure you eat organic veggies so the Earth doesn’t die.

And yeah, fuck the police. Be careful with guns and knives, nothing against hunting or fishing but don’t cut yourself on sharp objects. Stop listening to music, you think it makes you cool but it only makes you sad. Instead listen to audiobooks about being an alpha male so your girlfriend looks at your sinewy biceps and comes back from college just to see them.