Things Creeps Named Bobby Do

The name Bobby sounds disarming, if you’re a child. If you’re a grown man who goes by Bobby then I assume you’re some sort of creep. Call me presumptuous or the biggest doofus in history for telling you this, but I hope you leave me alone. Then again, you do go by the name Bobby.

Creepy Things That Bobbys Do That Others Don’t

– Rubs your shoulder and ask if you’d like to be petted like a cat

– Brags about his Powerwheels collection to other adults

– Has every licensed and unlicensed Dragon Ball memorabilia proudly on display in large glass cases each with their own lights

– Felt sure he was adopted when his parents showed up to his graduation. NO YOU WERE NOT ADOPTED YOU LOOK LIKE YOUR POTATO MOTHER!

– Feels depressed because they are named Bobby

– Owns goldfish

– Sucks at coloring books

– Never empties their voicemail box. Uhh, are you coming in to work today or not Bobby?

– Looks forward to fire season to tell others how fireproof and heat proof (whatever that means) his truck is

– Desperately wants you to ask him about Fight Club. Even had a button pin made saying “ASK ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB”

– No one ever knows what to say when you make small talk with them because they’re too busy undressing the middle aged waiter with their eyes

– Drinks Red Bull 24/7 and it says Serve Chilled but he boils it first.

– Talks loudly at funerals about baseball games he went to as a child and how this isn’t as much fun

– Makes math jokes during budget meetings. They’re dirty.

– Tries to order Italian food when actually all they have is potato salad. Assumed it must be Italy where people eat sauerkraut pizza in great little greasy chunks. Joke went over as well as them finding out he was named Bobby!

– Thinks being offended at something written on a bathroom stall note makes him holier than thou. Probably started bowing down after this assumption because truthfully no one gives less of a fuck.

There you have it

Avoid these Bobbyisms if you don’t want people to say “Hey man, I thought you were named Travis, not Bobby?”

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Writer/Contributor. Scholar of life.