We Don’t Like Steve

You’ve probably known someone name Steve. We all have. They’ve always been terrible. Steve is the Comic Sans of names.

Hey, what’d Steve do wrong?

Steve Jobs seen here selling you a tracking device that makes big tech companies into mini-countries that subvert democracy and individuality. Be glad he’s dead.

Maybe they never accomplished anything, or maybe they are just too annoying to get anything done in life. No matter what you call them, the worst is their name is Steve. It sounds like a car that needs to be fixed, a cat that needs to be fed, or an average height, bland man who needs to shave and smell better.

No one should have to suffer the indignity of being named “Steve”. Really? All those names and you settled on Steve? WTF!? You might be asking what is so wrong about the name. Well let me tell you…

Steves are always “stuck” in things. They always have to tell you their opinion, I mean what’s up with that?

Who died and made you opinion king?

Steves always need something; hair gel, blankets, money for concerts. It gets old fast.

Steve Ballmer’s TED Talk was him defecating in his suit for 20 minutes while he read the definition of leadership from a dictionary. His breath smells the same as his pants did.

Steves look for approval from people around them, mainly by making jokes about themselves or their situation.

Even if they aren’t funny or entertaining at all, Steve’s still want other people’s opinions, maybe even some kind words, because they are insecure about their shitty name.

Parents look out

Parents if you’re thinking about naming your brand new baby boy Steve, then think again. If you’re already named Steve there’s always time to go to the courthouse and get a respectable name. But if you’re already “Steve”, stop whining about how your life sucks.

You want to know why? Because no one wants to be around someone with a name that sounds like the name of a disease.

Every time we hear the name Steven, Steve, Steeve, or Stephen we’ll be reminded of how we’re nothing more than a pissy piece of shit with a diseased name. Granted there are worse names than Steve but Steve’s today are completely unaware that they are in Tucker territory.

Steve Martin has been known to be a Jerk since 1979

Not everyone suffers this fate though. Some people seem to find happiness as long as they don’t say their name aloud. These people are wonderful! They live great lives because they will never ever say the word Steve again.

What’s sad is most people who are named Steve demand people say it all the time.

You can hear it from the nasal cavity, “STEEEEVE” the E coming from the nose and the back of the throat. STEEVEEEAAAAHHHHH (fucking Steve) it goes until someone manages to hold their face together enough to tell them to shut up.

I’m just tired of their crappy hair, their crappy name, their crappy attitude. Steve if you’re reading this, change your name again bro! Change your name like four times in a row to get that awful sound out of your mouth.

In the mean time if you’re not named Steve keep on doing your thing. You may never be famous but at least no one else has to worry about what to do when they hear the fucking name Steve again.

Oh yeah, everyone ask every person named Steve one question, “Can’t you change your name?”