Starting a new job is tough. First you must get passed the application gauntlet, and after you’ve jousted with HR, you’re exhausted already then comes fraternizing with the rest of the crew which are looking forward to giving you their work.
Tips to fit in at the office:
1. Leave a tray of cookies in the break room with a note that says “not poison”.
2. Let your boss win at the Monday morning fart meeting.
3. Set the coffee maker to Red Alert and leave it overnight before you turn it on for the day.
4. Hang up a Spider-Man sock. Spidey might even leave you some gifts.
5. Know what a gorgon is and refer to yourself as “she” when conversing with anyone who doesn’t know.
6. Borrow stuff from coworkers and when they ask for it back tell them you gave it to Bryan. Bryans are always stealing shit.
7. Hide behind walls and offer sips of wine to co-workers you don’t know.
8. Never date another coworker. I am still technically married to Janie.
9. Always take the first lunch hour so you can get first dibs on everyone’s lunches in the fridge. People love this!
10. Learn how to talk to ghosts. This will allow you to invite over the queen ghost of the office. Once she’s on your side, it’s all birthday gift cards from here.
11. Whenever someone makes eye contact with you across the room, give them the finger.
12. Talk to the Super computer. He’ll help you hide at night. No one knows if he can be trusted. But, you do not want to trust Janie.
13. Make sure you read Forbes Magazine twice a week. If anyone questions you, look bewildered and mention Bill Gates.
14. After five months on the job, host a fight club. Make sure to do the whole thing and let Chuck Palahniuk know so he can shoe horn you into the next sequel.
15. Never Go to New York, Ever! Refer to it as “The Big Crapple” if anyone brings it up.
16. While filling out your time card write “do my bidding” underneath all of the minutes as a kind of bonus tip. That should drive home just how invaluable you are around the clock.
17. When working late on a project after hours and no one else is there, try getting naked to feel more comfortable around the office. Janitors love it!
18. If you find yourself having sex with a coworker, dress up like Jane Fonda so they blame her instead. This works for men or women.
19. Dance as much as possible around the office while monk chanting.
20. Visit a co-worker outside of business hours to remind them that you love their mother. It will add instant report!