Now hiring, labor shortages, you’ve heard it all.
Jobs!
We all need them, except for the .01% who work the hardest by getting drunk on their yacht’s yacht. DIVIDENDS BRO!
So how do you get a job? You have to apply, write a custom cover letter, serenade the weird cat lady who works in HR with lies about your career and over all pledge fealty to your new corporate overlords.
Interviews can be tough so we’ve provided some slick answers to the job market’s toughest interview questions.
Job Interview Tips:
Question 1
Interviewer: Tell me about yourself.
Answer: I ain’t hidin’ no bodies that’s for sure! [nervous laughter]
Answer 2: I’m bi-polar the only difference is that I keep my issues secret in a tiny little ball in my soul until I feel the need to unleash my unrelenting anger and hatred on all worthless fools.
Question 2
Interviewer: Tell us about a time you had to deal with a tough situation.
Answer: You ever seen a dead body on Christmas Day? SANTA IS DEAD! DON’T LET THEM SKELETONS GET YOU DOWN — HE WAS IN CHARGE FOR GOODNESS SAKE!
Question 3
Interviewer: What is it like working at Tom Cruise’s company?
Answer: First of all, I call him Tommy Boy McScienceGod. Second, from what I hear, he has sex on demand with anyone willing to comply. And third – if you piss off TOMMY BOY MCSCIENCE GOD, there are repercussions ranging from scolding to heavily downgraded labor conditions. Report for SpaceOrg!
Question 4
Interviewer: Why did you leave this previous employer?
Answer: Um…because it was Home Depot? HAH!!!!!! HAHAHAHA!! Fuck America! FUCK ALL OF YOU!
Answer 2: For almost three years I suffered at the hands of Bryan. His lisp and raspy voice sent me into a rage each Monday he would ask, “How was your weekend?” FUCK YOU BRYAN GET SPEECH THERAPY JERK!
Question 5
Interviewer: What do you think is your greatest strength as an employee?
Answer: On a sunny day when everyone else went out on adventures, I secretly cut down hobo trailers and left the homeless wretches starving in trash cans all throughout rural America. I mean, I have hedge fund experience sir!
Answer 2: Get down on your knees before the awesome powerhouse candidate that stands in front of you wows you with competency and a prowess for getting the ladies. Trust me when I say you will not be disappointed! In fact you will write me a hand addressed letter after this interview THANKING me for my precious time. Time is money and you’re wasting mine by not paying me anything so get your pen out and start writing or you’re FIRED!
Question 6
Interviewer: What about your weaknesses?
Answer: Well look around you, clearly you employ weaklings. I am stronger than them and my weakness is I am able to beat them all in martial combat and on the hit TV show Jeopardy! No one can stop me, NO ONE! Bring it on losers I’m making love – not war.
Question 7
Interviewer: Is there anything in particular you don’t like doing?
Answer: Hmm let me see, I hate getting up early, I don’t like getting underpaid and overworked. To be honest, If I wasn’t such an exemplary poster boy for this position I wouldn’t have applied but I could use a paid nap.
Answer 2: I despise working. I want people pay more attention to me while I practice my stand up comedy routine using all of the racist jokes I learned from 80s comedians.
Question 8
Interviewer: Describe your ideal job.
Answer: I would prefer somebody fired you and replaced them with someone who wasn’t so god damn ugly and stupid. I would like a job where I don’t have to question how the person interviewing me managed to keep employment long enough not to consider your sad and small life that would be considered a prison sentence in any other era.
Long story short, I GOT THE JOB! MINIMUM WAGE HERE I COME!
