I have a confession to make to you all: I am a werewolf. But that’s not the most difficult part of my confession, not even close. You see, I’m also an internet communist who has a very large following online, and I like to be politically correct as much as possible.
JUDGE NOT LEST YE BE JUDGED BY A WEREWOLF
It is for these reasons I find it extremely difficult to tell people I’m a werewolf because I know they will view me in a completely different light. So I’ve been keeping all the lambs I’ve been eating a secret.
Yeah, when I’m wandering into the dark rural farmland and coming back covered in blood I wasn’t just “clearing my head”, you see. Every time I go out to the countryside on the hunt I get extremely nervous knowing I could bump into some sort of werewolf hunter, or even worse my principal from high school 20 years ago!
So it’s not easy being a communist werewolf, for one I am ripping all my Che Guevara t-shirts with the transformation, my wolf body cannot help but fray the weak mall novelty store fabric. For another, I hate capitalism and love communism, and I don’t want people to think I’m doing the wrong thing by hanging out at the mall buying stuff with communist icons on it like it’s the year 2004.
IT’S A COMMUNITY
My wolf brothers who I call wolf bros and sisters are understanding. We sit around and drink PBR while discussing Marx, Kropotkin, Mises, Obama, immigration, political correctness, and racism. We live together in a commune where we farm our own food (mostly lamb) and raise our own children (sometimes, when not broadcasting on Twitch).
Sometimes people throw rocks at us and shout racial slurs but our leader, Big Wolfman, always takes care of them in a most humane way. He gets right up in their face and talks to them. That usually shuts them up. They never say anything mean again, they’re usually too scared of getting their eyes eaten by a bloodthirsty Marxist cannibal turned wolf to argue anymore.
NOT ALL IT SEEMS
Things aren’t all roses at the farm, though. Once every few months a fucking werewolf hunter comes along and kills one of our members. Turns out there’s a whole fucking academy of them down the street, I didn’t even know.
One day I was peacefully looking through Walmart’s book section when I heard a shot fired. I ran outside to find the corpse of one of my best friends, Freddy Wolf. We had only known each other for a few days but he was such a good friend to me. I cried over his bloody grave for hours, as did everyone else. It really made me angry and I howled as all wolf people do, angrily shaking my big paws.
The werewolf hunters were off in the distance, likely laughing at our pain.
Little did they know, my political agenda would change their lives forever.
WE DID IT
We eventually moved out of the commune and started selling wolf bro merchandise, socks, t-shirts, hats, stickers, bumper stickers, shit like that. All in all, we made $1,000 dollars, mostly through crowdfunding on Kickstarter.
By 2022, we’d built a powerful online presence, starting our own online streaming network called ‘The Happy Moon’ dedicated entirely to letting people see wolves fight each other.
As communists, we all secretly want some Venmo money for sharing that post how communism totally kicks ass. That’s why I’m here today telling you to vote for Joe Biden, supporter of werewolves. Thank you and goodnight. #FIGHTTHEWEREWOLFHUNTERS