Motorcycles are cool, you want to know what’s even cooler? Motorcycle gangs! We ride for a lot of reasons but mostly because we like being loud as fuck. Motorcycles are loud, we’re loud, we like to drink, motorcycles also like to drink.
You want to be in our gang? Too bad. Well there’s rules and stuff. It’s just not that simple. We will make it very difficult for you to join us, at least until we feel like it. But don’t worry, if you stick with us you can go pretty far in this biker thing, and make some money while doing so.
KICK ASS AND TAKE NAMES
It’s a dark, cold night. You walk into a diner somewhere in Kansas. There is a single waitress behind the counter serving a few people here and there. The sound of televisions playing in the background can be heard.
All of a sudden, from around the corner of the kitchen comes a massive gang member on a chrome V-Rod™ motorcycle. He wears a black leather jacket, with matching chaps and boots. He rides on top of the counter flipping everyone off before making his way over to the back door, where he proceeds to throw his cigar onto the waitress setting her on fire.
“Badass!” the entire diner shouts.
That’s the feeling of being a biker. Doing whatever the hell you want and murdering random people who don’t deserve it! YEAH METHAMPHETAMINE WOOO!
With their casual attitude towards murder, you may think that they would be perfect role models but some people say no. These people are squares, lamewads, townies, and worst of all civilians. Being a biker means being king of the road, ruling with an iron fist and not allowing anyone to get in your way. But unfortunately it also means you have to live among these non-bikers, the ones who simply cannot appreciate how badass bikers really are.
A lot of people claim that this is a kind of power fantasy or wish fulfillment. They think that bikers have a “problem” and need to “grow up”. I say hit them with a chain in the midst of a tantrum and show them how grown up you really are when a tire iron takes their life. FUCK YEAH, MURDER! SONS OF ANARCHY WOOOO!
If you disagree with me then you are probably a FUCKING SQUARE!
- The Boss – This person is a leader. Usually a loudmouth bully and self proclaimed “tough guy”. Usually has trouble backing up his claims and tends to act rashly without thinking first. But the boss can turn the tables when he knows how to use his smart phone to order sweet meth.
- The Captain – The boss needs someone to do his dirty work, and a true professional. Usually does little more than chase down leads and arrange his crew for big runs. Probably does not need to come along on most jobs, but doesn’t want to miss out on the free dope either.
- The Fall Guy – He wants to impress the gang so bad he’ll go to prison for 160 years just to make friends, even though his participation won’t change anything. Everyone is always beating him up on bad days, blaming him for crimes, giving him noogies with the butt of a shotgun, etc…
- No Guts – Fears jail, and his dream in life is to move to Florida, grow fruit trees, and work for a living like the other losers. When asked to make a delivery, usually tells the gang he has to wash his girlfriends panties or she’ll beat him up. We throw his body in the dumpster later.
- Mr. Noodle Head – Always gets involved in things he shouldn’t. Gets into fights with rival gangs, cops, and even his own mama. The type of guy that thinks carrying a concealed weapon makes him look tough. Can only take 2-3 hits before losing consciousness. Falls asleep in church and always gets a speeding ticket.
- Angry Brooding Type Who Should Be Leader But Isn’t – Every gang has one of these guys, the quiet type that carries a copy of Machiavelli’s ‘The Prince’ everywhere he goes. Tends to be the voice of reason, but because nobody listens to him, they end up fucking up anyway. Nobody knows why this guy isn’t leader but they don’t do anything about it either.
- Jimmy The Idiot – One of those idiots that acts too confident in everything he does and ends up getting himself killed. Was known for saying stupid shit like “I’m gonna beat you so hard” right before fighting somebody as he takes a knife to a gun fight. The sort of person those memorial rides are for. 1000 bikes for dumbass Jimmy. Enjoy your Sunday picnic, townies.
- The Rival Turned Ally – We’re not so different you and I, but our jackets are different so we must set aside our differences and unite under one banner for the love of meth. YEAH METH FUCK YEAH!
- The Junkie – Only in it for the dope, he’ll smoke the entire gang’s stash and then some before calling for more. Ends up getting busted for 5 kilos which he considers “for personal use”, and he fesses up all the stolen goods to a small task force including members from the FBI and DEA and suddenly finds himself getting put away for 10 years instead of 200. We hate this guy for obvious reasons.
Bikers have a rich and luxurious culture , boasting centuries of wisdom passed down through generations. These men know how to live it up, downing beers faster than superman on speed, banging whores faster than Superman on LSD, eating beans faster than Super Man while wielding an 8-inch steak knife faster than Lex Luther and it has been said that if Hitler were alive today he would definitely drive a Harley.
Unfortunately many modern day bikers suffer from diseases such as obesity, alcoholism and low IQ due to poor nutrition. Most of them don’t ride motorcycles because they have disabilities, but rather because their angry wives took their license away. Although some bikers claim to be able to kick ass, but some of them have trouble breathing and kicking ass. We don’t tolerate this, and they should be stomped. STOMPED YOU HEAR ME BROTHER? STOMP OUR OTHER BROTHER FOR THE SAKE OF STOMPING!
How do we distinguish between good and evil bikers? We start by carefully observing the following qualities:
- An inflated sense of ego
- Excessive violence
- Disdain for authority
- More Black T-shirts than Henry Rollins
Bad bikers have none of these qualities and ride around on old lady bikes with their poodles in a sidecar as they shop for cat litter they use on their own butts. They do this because they’re Canadian and weak and they can’t even beat me at an arm wrestling match. I’m sorry, that last part wasn’t supposed to be mentioned in public.
RIDE FREE AND DIE DUMB!