Hide Your Money! It’s Martha Stewart’s Gang

We all know that Martha Stewart is a felon, but little do people know that she runs the streets.

Who’s streets?

She leads her very own gang of several of her disciples. They walk together and chant and sing in total unison, “Karma! Punishment comes upon those who deserve it!”

They head out into abandoned buildings and on missions to cut up people, property or whatever else they can find for “the greater good.”

This makes them very powerful, especially since there are many volunteers who want to be like Mrs. Stewart herself. Her followers number thousands, all around the world. Their chanting reaches ears everywhere and results in many of the most sadistic crimes known today, including: prostitution rings; human meat smuggling; drug sales; women being forced to bake cookies 24/7 for the gang’s bake sales. And this is just a small sample of their terrible exploits!

Chain of command

The second woman in charge is code named Debbie Downer. She acts as enforcer. Owe the gang money and she comes out of the shadows. Menacingly tapping a rolling pin in her hand.

Her hair is neatly done; her makeup always perfect, even at night. And she watches everyone closely as she wanders through the darkened streets.

Her boots step quickly on the pavement, making confident sounds to go with each footstep. Now that she has completed her studies in the dojo of George Foreman, which cost twenty-two million dollars, she has mastered techniques such as kung fu, judo, California roll and kickboxing. She then put them all together to make a fighting style that cannot be rivaled.

Diverse and scary!

Of course the gang is multicultural and unisex. A lot of people think just because it’s Martha Stewart that men can’t join and boy are they wrong. Put down your manly messenger bag and pick up a rolling pin for the gang. Dying your hair blond can’t hurt either. Do it like Hillary Clinton and you’re perfect.

Their law

The gang enforces their law on the streets. To avoid retaliation from anyone within their inner circle, there is no conversation over the phone unless it is business related. Only certain words are used to prevent eavesdropping. Some even speak only in code to preserve secrecy. Even at home when families are supposed to have dinner at the dining table. Some members don’t eat until midnight or later.

You thought it was all chopping tomatoes and sewing? You’re wrong and if you cross them you’ll be dead wrong.

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Writer/Contributor. Likes working out, drinking slime, and hassling nerds.