Expert: England Needs A New King

Good news everyone! There’s a new King of England! But not in the way you’re probably thinking, I’m referring to Prince Harry. Everyone likes Prince Harry and how could you not?

When it comes to Harry, the media acts like Hollywood birthed him from its own festering bowels.

Game of Thrones, Game of Thrones!

Personally we loved Game of Thrones so much we’re hoping that Harry goes after Charles in a way that’d really rile up HBO audiences. Instead of dragons with flames shooting out of their foreheads, they have planes.

What if Harry set fire to all the money belonging to Brits but he did so by dropping bombs on his family’s buildings? No government would be able to contain such a hilarious TikTok prank.

You know nothing Prince Harry

That’s right Harry has to go full on Jon Snow, but in prankster mode. Blowing shit up, sword fighting dudes, seeing decapitated heads raining down like The Ice Bucket Challenge.

Everything is ruined for me until my favorite Brit, Harry becomes king! Yes, even though I’m American I can secretly long to be ruled by a monarch. Yes, that was treasonous at one point but hey this is a new American century and we’re all absolutely retarded now.

What we lack in learning abilities we’ll make up for in arming Prince Harry to the teeth for his John Rambo like showdown for the crown. Go after your dad and become the new king!

Hell, even the People’s republic of California would love this because they love him more than us, thanks America! Don’t deny it. It’s undeniable you love Prince Harry, and want someone who doesn’t look like a blobfish ruling you.

Army Up Or Shut The Hell Up About All The Royal Stuff

Harry needs to start assembling his army, I suggest hiring a likable mercenary who doesn’t play by the rules but is affable enough for a rogue. I loved that guy in Game Of Thrones, maybe he’s available?

Harry also needs to think of ways he wants to publicly execute his father for the crown. It’s best not to take too much glee in cherishing an antiquated title but then again who cares if poor Brits starve!

I’m thinking this season gets a little cybernetic

Your suffering might cause a few clouds to part. Better clouds to create rainbows! Rainbows of English suffering that is.

In conclusion, in order for Prince Harry to win the hearts and minds of the common man once again he needs to act to earn their respect.

Bring the knights with cybernetic armor and one has a dog head and he’s a real bad ass.

Keep the dragons and undead out of this season, ok writers?

Harry’s Revenge

Think about it, Harry is exiled, he has to deal with all of this paparazzi harassment after they killed his mother. No, not anymore! He decides to pull the sword from the stone and run right into Buckingham palace, lobbing his dad’s head clean off.

Some of the people cheer because they wanted that to happen. Suddenly Harry says crushes the crown on his head like a beer can, burps and says “I declare royalty to be fucking gay and now England shall be known as America Part 2!”.

The people around him all cheer and they stop talking with such a horrible accent. Everyone lives happily ever after because that’s all it took for world peace.

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Writer/Editor. Drinker of Soy. Eater of Soy. Lover of Soy. Don't judge.