Johnny Depp Sentenced To Be Fired From Cannon

Johnny Depp is a bad guy, did you know that? No, not for doing 2,400 kind of OK movies. Nope, he’s allegedly raping and assaulting them all, like Hollywood folk all allegedly love to do.

In a strange turn of events, Johnny Depp was found guilty on all charges and is being sentenced to be fired out of a cannon into the ocean. Good job, sounds pretty effective! Goodbye two faced crook! Hope you can swim with the sharks there, Jack Sparrow Scissor Wonka!

Sweetest piece of justice of the year: Depp drowns at bottom of ocean. Pirates of The Caribbean 39 Canceled!

Yeah we’re still mad about Depp having the gall to ruin Charlie and The Chocolate factory with his strange performance. Poor sweet Barb is crying rivers while those childhood memories are sullied by Johnny Depp.

Amber is said to be the one to light the cannon and when asked for comment was seen placing her cigarettes down carefully before blasting off! Oh no look, she just lit herself on fire.

A guy this famous should hire an appropriate PR firm to manage any situation of the relevance to ‘excessively icky bits’ of his life, i.e. Amber had to constantly watch the HBO hit Entourage as part of the prenuptial agreement with wacky former wrestler ‘Lethal Black.’ Because Lebron James…Do I even need to go there?

Hollywood is so weird. I bet they’re doing something nefarious right now in the Hollywood hills. Does Johnny Depp control all of the bad things in LA? I don’t have any proof but I’m going to go by my gut feeling which says a resounding: YES!

Heard has been fielding intense criticism after telling comedian Kathy Griffin last month that she believes Depp sexually assaulted her shortly after their marriage. Kathy Griffin, who is aging like a decaying pumpkin in December, appears to be enraged.

Many others on Twitter have expressed their disdain for Depp. At this point in time, many simply call him an ‘asshole.’

What will Nancy Grace say? She’ll say ‘This is a high school dropout who was trying to get back at Johnny Depp because he cheated on her!’ God rest his soul. He lays in Davey Jones locker now. Yarr!

Let us all weep with abandon for once upon a time, blessed Johnny Depp. Now turned into fish bait in the Pacific Ocean. RIP good buddy.

God give me strength when I have to say goodbye to Natalie Portman. I couldn’t take that. THIS IS FOR MATILDA. The Professional, what a great film. Wait… Wow, that movie was kind of rapey and weird too. Even French Hollywood is weird!