What do you mean it’s September?! How did that happen? Yesterday I was hoping the spring showers would bring May flowers and then I choked under smoke for a few months only to emerge and the year is over? What the fuck?!
DOING WELL, THANK YOU FOR ASKING
Ok, I’m doing fine really. I’m just hiding away with a shotgun, a calendar, a bottle of vodka and an oversized machete. The news is all terrible, my timeline feeds are all telling me its the end of days with emojis, and it sure seems like it’s hard to get a quality meal these days. It truly is the end of days!
Well maybe not the ‘end of days’ like in the bible, but the end of days in my 2023 calendar. It’s the one with the adorable kittens standing next to Star Trek Klingons, Yoda dancing to Ke$ha music and Wolverine flying through space with Han Solo. What can I say? I’m very cultured.
NO YEAR FOR OLD MEN
The year can’t be almost over though, I still have things left to do! Things to finish, places to see, books to read and blog posts to write! Is there some kind of secret memo I’ve missed or something?
You’d think someone would let me know that it’s almost autumn? I mean come on! You left me hanging by the grill since the 4th of July, never grabbing me that second beer you promised.
THERE IS NO CURRENT MARVEL MOVIE TO DEAL WITH THESE FEELINGS
Checking my calendar and it’s making me sad, Wolverine would tolerate this. He’d rip the thing in half and say “FUCK YOU BUB, I GOT THE CLAWS BUB!”.
As any stable person in their mid-40s would do, I am looking to Wolverine AKA Logan for all of my life advice. My first new years resolution might just be to get an adamantium skeleton but all the labs I call hang up on me when I ask.
I thought summer was all hot and sticky. All the fire trucks speeding past my house won’t spray me playfully as I trot through the street in cut off denim shorts while holding a cold lemonade. That can’t be what summer means now because it used to mean that everyone loved me, I had nothing to do and I could watch Wolverine live an exciting life that I couldn’t possibly dream of. Mostly because no one will give me any fucking claws!
So there you have it folks. No one wants you to have claws, there’s a conspiracy to make the year end all the god damn time, and someone is telling me I suck when I look in the mirror.
Fucking 2023 man, it’s been a hell of a year. Thanks for putting me out of my misery, robot dog with the shotgun for a face. Maybe we can talk again in 2025. AFTER all the politics that don’t involve Wolverine AT ALL!