Social media is dead. We tried Mastodon, we tried Threads, we tried Bluesky, we tried them all, they all suck. First of all no one wants to talk to you. Second of all you have to be either a brand or a pervert with a brand.
I just want to connect with other people like me! Cool guys with beards who have samurai swords. Swordsmen only because they are trained masters not because they went to get a bong from the mall and saw it gleaming from behind the counter.
LETS SEE OUR OPTIONS
When you join Mastodon, first the Russian army puts illegal porn directly into your veins, you start chewing on turnips and speaking strangely to your peers. Then when that wears off and you start trying to use it like Twitter you’re reminded by Mastodon users and the moderators that you are in fact posting wrong. Wrong post, wrong way. Fuck you, I’m a Mastodon admin and you will bark like a dog on Tuesday! Another user chimes in it’s senior pledge day noob!
When you join Threads, Mark Zuckerberg flexes his muscles and the Burger King tries to make you eat one of his terrible sandwiches. All brands, booo!
Bluesky is just full of pedophiles, democratic candidates, furries, furries who are pedophiles, James Gunn, Neil Degrasse Tyson, and the rest of the disgraced Hollyweird circuit. I never saw so many dicks and I’ve been to the gym. Freak show alert! FREAKS FREAKS FREAKS!
Then the behind the times right wing social networks that are bombarded by red hatted morons who drank so much kool-aid they lost touch with reality all together. Facebook is also one of these and every dip shit who peaked in 2008 is on it arguing about whether Trump is gonna fix the flat earth. Or whether Hillary can really kill us all through telekinesis (she can).
OLD INTERNET I MISS YE
You see folks I miss the old internet. The mean internet. The internet that felt dangerous and yet somehow more friendly even though you got told to kill yourself for asking a question about SimCity 2000. That was the internet.
I miss those good ol’ days before it was a big ol’ propaganda machine for the red white and blue spigot that gives me the nutrient goop I need to start my day.
THEY GOT THE GUN
Big tech decided to old yeller their invention which is social media, they all decided at once to say fuck it. Pretty cool of them if you ask me. Now it’s just crazy people using it and people who haven’t felt the kiss of the suns rays since they got their first surgery to look like a lizard person for comic con.
Hey it was a beautiful experiment while it lasted, my internet friends. Ruining the planet for ad revenue, pretty fucking sweet deal if you ask me. I say we forget we ever signed up for MySpace, Facebook or all of those weird ones along the way.
A NEW HOPE
Instead we need a forum, a forum where stupid people are afraid to join and freaks come just to become our punching bags, where all you have to do is write something witty and clever but just simple enough for an English major to comprehend.
Some place where creative writers don’t fear the specter of mass consumption and big tech is too afraid to pitch this sort of sordid content to advertisers. Some place where moderators aren’t pedophiles, Democrats or CIA agents and everyone is just content to stare at each others avatars masturbate. Virtual circle jerking is the best. Is there a place like this?
That place was Twitter BUT ITS DEAD! YOU KILLED IT YOU FUCKS YOU FUCKING KILLED IT FUCKK FUCKKKK MY ENTIRE SOCIAL LIFE WAS THE BLUE BIRD!
HERE TODAY GONE TOMORROW
Sorry, I was mourning my awesome tweets like “fuck this customer service line is taking too long” and also cherishing the moment that some D grade celeb followed me back and never interacted with me again.
Oh Twitter was like the waiting room to a toxic waste pit that John Cusack would sometimes use to dump corpses (proverbially) and paint his fingernails gold (maybe literally?), he’d stand there watching me slowly die and cry while my life fades away.
A ROSE BY A DIFFERENT NAME, SCENT, SMELL AND TAXONOMY IS DIFFERENT
This thing that exists now called Twitter or X marks the spot matey (hahah x jokes I am clever) does the exact same thing as Twitter. Except it does it worse. You know why? Because now instead of dumbfucks, it has stupid dumbfucks. You see stupid dumbfucks cannot outnumber regular dumbfucks and the ratio is therefore 1:100 according to my scientific calculations that the best tax payer funded research can buy!
FUCK YOUR STUPID SMART PHONE YOU DUMB ASS
So there you have it people. Get rid of your social media because it’s stupid, it’s making you stupid, and you’re ugly and we hate you and we hate your updates.
Just do yourself a favor and stop updating.
So please leave the building, you’ve had a nice visit and now it’s time to stop talking, remember to breathe deeply, please don’t overbreathe, and oh my god put down the fucking donut fatty.