You hear about his accident? If Jeremy Renner dies who will play Zelensky in the new Marvel movie? It’s obvious he’s a shoe-in to play the popular Ukrainian president.
War has good graphics
The Ukraine war is amazing! They’re all so brave. Pew pew guns, Call of Duty! HEADSHOT! Marvel is the perfect company to make this movie too.
The screen play is a work in progress
Imagine Zelensky (played by Jeremy Renner) all dressed in leather. His Wolverine claws shooting lasers into Russian airspace and he raises a single Wolverine claw to Putin who gives up his dreams of invasion, occupation and general sovereignty.
Yeah, that would be an awesome superhero action film.
Invulnerable now
A snow plow can’t kill Jeremy Renner because Marvel needs to give him an adamantium skeleton. So then a tank rolls over Jeremy Renner he starts to laugh and splits the tank into confetti with his claws.
The rest of the country erupts into applause for their hero Zelensky (played by Renner) and Russia has nowhere to go but sit on its basketball crying into a vodka bottle.
Don’t die Renner!
So if he dies, who will play Zelensky? I’d say Sean Penn is a close second but he’s too old. Him trying to butter up Zelensky for casting is an obvious Hollywood ploy.
Renner is absolutely perfect and I bet he could stunt double as Zelensky in the war. We wouldn’t need to send any weapons if we send in a single Renner. There’s no doubt about it, he’ll pull through the surgery like America’s best kept secret.
After the operation he’ll come out in a tuxedo on top of a helicopter doing handstands while flirting with all the female nurses before walking down the stairs with Captain America and holding hands with Hawkeye. Hollywood style.
Post operation
At first Renner will look dazed after the life saving operation. Then he peels off his face and reveals he is Volodymyr Oleksandrovych Zelenskyy the master of disguise and acting! He takes a deep breath and breaks into a musical number with Anderson Cooper about how war is the best when you’re the west.
Just as the song ends he stands up with a firm handshake and deadpans a goodbye to Captain America and Hawkeye before spinning on his heels and leaving the scene while simultaneously throwing in some fancy martial arts moves and sassily winking at the camera breaking the fourth wall — permanently.
I’d like to thank the academy
Uh-oh, I hear a black helicopter. I think it’s them wanting my autograph for coming up with the screenplay of the motherfuckin’ century. A guy’s gotta eat somewhere and I make a living writing new Marvel movies and huffing noxious chemicals from my bus stop office. Thanks a lot Obama.
