New Year Resolutions (2023 Edition)

Happy New Year! Now where did I set my keys, I’ve got some “not drunk” driving to do.

It’s no secret that we are all terrible, so we make these lists to try to be less terrible. I can safely share my list with you because I know I will get all of these resolutions done.


  • Be less fat. This is pretty self explanatory. I ate 3 turkeys to myself on Thanksgiving. When people start calling me big bellied, I cried a little. OK, a lot!
  • Do more fore charity. Yeah flicking pennies at bums is good for the environment but I want to do more. Like, really give it my all. I’ll get some rolls of quarters from the bank.
  • Attempt to live life fully. This is the same as last year and every year. Well, maybe not every year, I am an adult now. You can’t blame me if I don’t get to enjoy the holidays with the person I love, after all, I have work and everything.
  • Stop taking advantage of people. I know I said I’d buy you all McDonald’s for being my sleigh dogs but you’re just going to have to go back to working at TJ Maxx.
  • Laugh more. For sure, I’m going to try this one. I’ll let out a little laugh right now if you don’t believe me! Tehehehe.
  • Delete all social media websites from my life. I am starting a new life. In this life I am a brave bull fighter named Nachos.
  • Have sex with more people. I am the man! High five for man stuff! Too slow! Now back to banging.
  • Eat more vegetables. I mean we all need to finish our beansprouts but they’re not as delicious as this fried chicken leg.
  • Make more friends. Friends that can listen to all of my complaints about the mailman and give me a hug afterwards. Come on Ross, Monica, and the rest!
  • Be a better parent. How do you do that, you ask? You do what all good parents do. You send them to the coal mines so you don’t have to hear them bitch anymore.
  • Pen my fictional memoirs so that when people look me up in the future it seems like I always sliced robot ninjas with a sword made of pure energy when I was surfing.
  • Create a more comfortable place to sleep. I read on a frugal blog you can make a bed out of cinder blocks and that’s what I’ve been doing as I’ve been trying to get on my feet in New York City for 12 years.
  • Give up drinking for a year. Oh shit, I am drinking right now. Shit. I’m so going to hell. I am totally going to hell.
  • Create the perfect sandwich. What? I can’t get a job? No I don’t know how to make a perfect sandwich. How could I even know your secrets Jimmy John? Oh it’s underpaying your employees and cracking them with a whip when they slow down. Perfect sandwich.
  • Be nice to your spouse. Oh this is a no-brainer. My spouse is going to love me when I tell them they’re going to be taking care of the house and then sell it to a banker for a pouch of magic beans.
  • Give a child a dollar. Yeah I mean what is the harm in that? I’m going to give a kid a dollar so that I can tell the world I am a good person.
  • Go on a road trip. What? Why not!? The road trip just says “I am an American. You will do what I say or I’ll shove this revolver down your throat! Now put $20 on pump 6.”
  • Have a drink with the guy who invented beer. The inventor of beer, I can’t remember his name but he probably likes Twisted Sister as much as I do.
  • Jeans, always wear jeans in the new year. They crush your balls? Good, that’s the denim doing its work.
  • Read more books. What are books? I don’t even know what a book is. TV might tell me someday.
  • Squint my eyes really narrowly when talking about politics so people think I know what I’m saying when I talk about Joel Biden.
  • Have a beard and demand everyone talk about beards. Also call me the King of All Beards! Yeah it’s like 6 hairs, but it’s about there.
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Writer/Editor. Drinker of Soy. Eater of Soy. Lover of Soy. Don't judge.