Friends, they’ll be there for you right? Get out of that fountain because we’ve got some news for you.
Your friends might suck. They might be what science calls fair-weather friends. Yeah, sounds familiar doesn’t it? It’s the same phenomenon that happens when you drop your water bottle and see it spilling all over the sidewalk a split second later or get off work to find out your favorite co-worker’s been promoted to Vice President. Fair weather buddies…yeah yeah whatever.
How to tell if you’ve got fairweather friends
– They won’t help you move a couch up 86 flights of stairs and a landing that’d require a crane. What a bunch of jerks!
– “Oh we’re gonna grab lunch and catch up but I’m too busy tonight.” Asshole. I like lunch better at night!
– They never ask about our day or say sorry. Fucking assholes. Oh and hey aren’t we having lunch again tomorrow? Oh and didn’t I put $50 in your kickstarter for your cactus app?
– They come to visit after you’ve invited them for months then just pass out like a snoring piece of shit on your doorstep. Unreliable motherfuckers, ungrateful rude pieces of shit.
– They give you less than 12 hours notice for something important – party, movie, dinner then sit on their fucking cellphone the entire time.
– They forget your birthday but celebrate Doug Funny’s birthday instead. That makes me wanna puke. Why can’t people make my birthdays a surprise? Doesn’t mean anything if you did it anyways! Thanks a fuck of allot though.
– Never getting coffee for you but you always get it for them. Because they don’t give a rat’s ass as long as they’re sitting behind that mug going “Ho-Hum” over your shitty day. Dumbasses
– When you walk out of the room they immediately head down the street for two to three weeks then drive your car into the ditch somewhere for kicks.
– Spend all their money and still owe you from months or maybe even years ago. You even gave them very passive aggressive hints.
– You hurt yourself and they laugh like Nelson from The Simpsons.
– They never listen to your podcast where you review 80s movies. Asswipes!
– Your pet dies and they tell you there are other fish in the sea. Fuck those ignorant assholes. My parrot’s dead now and I never replaced him with another one!
– (Post break-up) You know why you’re single now? Because women no longer want fairweather friendships either. Now how about them apples?
– Your doorbell rings and as soon as you open the door the first thing your old friend says is “Hey so how was your wedding?” Fucking asshole, why do I have to invite you over now? Come back later, that bastard asshole. So rude! Sorry no whiskey waiting for you in here son.
– Your friend always seems distracted whenever you talk. And how long have they known you since?!
– Your best buddy from college runs a multimillion-dollar business, yet he doesn’t respond to your text or call. You constantly wondering how’s everything doing…on his way over for lunch…no today’s not good…did you pick out any cool place for dinner…oh I said an hour drive…okay so much for that idea…hmmmmmm…dinner club meeting that never gets done.
– They won’t tell you when they were fucking last with someone new even though you keep trying to be subtle asking about that little midget dressed like Sassy. But by now, and you already know that going on 4 years later…finally!!!??
– They meet everyone new with this gleeful tone like they’re best buds – even if they haven’t really gotten along. Huh? Like these guys talk to each other, right? Right?!? They deny they ever hang out before their 5-minute encounter – saying that they actually bumped into each other once at Big Boy when they went through McDonald’s and it’s a total lie. That they’ve just sat there lying to you at your dog’s birthday party!
– They think blind dates are fucking exciting! Christ almighty man! Did they forget nothing, not a soul does have ever fallen victim to one of those nightmarish creations before? Who has ever liked them? SATAN?
– They grab your wife’s tits and insist they’re the honker inspector and won’t accept any other reality.
– They brag that their dog’s more intelligent than the humans currently living. Uhhh excuse me asshole! A kitten could be smarter than your dog! Sheesh look at some web articles. Something definitely must be wrong in that brain of yours. Maybe do some research jerk.
Do your friends do any of these? If so throw them in the trash and buy new friends. How might one buy friends you ask? With Bitcoins, lots of Bitcoins. Heck, we’ll be your friends.