Happy New Year! What a crap year that was. We realized we didn’t do any self improvement last year so we’re going to make this year our year!
Technically it’s New Years Eve while I’m typing it but I am going to be partying oh so hardy tonight. I’ve got my boots on ready and I’ll be sure to get drunk enough in the morning to go cross country skiing. I need some practice now before the new years. I might even dress up in a squirrel costume.
New Years Resolutions For 2022:
1. Bring more crackers to chili night. I don’t care what the purists say, I like 75% crackers 2% chili and the rest ranch dressing.
2. Fuck getting married by 2040 or anything like that, and enjoy being single as long as you can. I’d love to stay single for life but I haven’t figured out the female race.
3. Stop stealing candy from babies. I was only doing it for their own good. Stop giving your newborns all those Snicker bars.
4. Get closer to being perfect. This involves wearing a backpack full of phone books and jogging to the Rocky theme before my knee blows out and I cuss out a neighbor.
5. Jetpack. I don’t care how. Jetpack. Flying through the air, snatching people’s gyros out of their hands before they can eat them. It’ll be a golden age for my band of gyro thieves. The robinhood of regrettable meals.
6. Stop making so much money on crypto. Thanks for all the “worthless” fiat suckers.
7. Start buying real steaks again. Grilled over burning hot coals. Let ’em know who’s boss. Their precious cows were made to be eaten. I’m not trying to ruin anyone’s lunch but steak is fucking delicious. PETA I’ll fight you and win because I don’t have a B vitamin deficiency.
8. Adopt a kid before 2035. Any kid, every damn kid. (for fat shaming purposes). Kids are too god damn fat these days. Maybe I’ll start a fat camp to yell at your dumb fat kids.
9. Follow the breadcrumbs until a witch pours me a cup of hallucinogenic tea. I go on a spirit quest and come out better. I then invest that personal growth into filing papers at work. I’ll call it microdosing and it’ll take Silicon Valley by storm! Steve Jobs tripped bruhh.
10. Go back to brewing beer. None of this chugging from the tap when the bartender isn’t looking shit.
11. Help a poor person each day. I’ll offer to wash their hair or stuff in fresh wood chips while they drink gallons of water. The woody smell will keep them from breeding.
12. Have three different kinds of underwear. Keeps things exciting! Underwear is getting boring, let’s get wild with the color and texture combinations! I’m talking snakeskin, latex, pork rind, and tortilla.
13. Form an alliance with my high school rival, fix their bald spot, and make them shave their head. Then slap their dumb head.
14. Play bass guitar, and sing sad songs in the style of my favorite 70s music stars. I’ll do a bunch of drugs and get some cosplay vomit to pretend to drown in. Then my cosplay manager can collect the cosplay insurance money.
15. Get in shape for the apocalypse. I need to be able to beat people in the upcoming gladiator tournament for toilet paper. Haha 2020 jokes.
16. Become less evil. Mmmhhmmm still have a ways to go but hell yeah I want to become more likable to gullible idiots. Also if I could just get them to build me a bunker somewhere near the salt mine with enough ammo to stop an army, hooray.
17. Read 50 books. All of them good. It’ll be impossible. Have you seen the trash they’re publishing these days. Please stop James Patterson, you’re embarrassing!
18. Create a vending machine shaped like Bart Simpson and push him down. Everyone loves a vending machine shaped like Bart.
19. Do a seance for lost souls trapped in their own bodies, and release them into the girl’s locker room. Haha I was still thinking about Bart Simpson and all those pranks we adored.
20. Grow a huge penis. Well in theory. Be a little safer that way, the penis can explode so not too big. Also get dick tattoos. Yes I did the research. Full sleeve.
21. Expose the corruption within science education with kazoo noises while calling for President Science Man. Everybody’s been waiting for this moment and I got my diaper on.
22. Make war and love at the same time. WITH CONSENT
23. Work harder at fighting my inner evil demons. Yeah I know I promised a shitload of resolutions. Still here baby.
24. Call it quits at playing poker with dogs. They’re fucking dumb!
25. Meet five new people. My online count is four. Five seems like an acceptable number. See you on Discord, fellas and ladies who used to be fellas.
26. Give myself pneumonia just to be manly. It’ll be good for my soul, making me strong enough to feel pain but not die. I will surely become a demigod.
27. Move to Ireland where they seem to put up with all types of bullshit. People aren’t supposed to be deadbeats? Tell that to this asshole I’m yelling at.
28. Invent the world’s first gumball machines for birds. Watch as they blow bubbles instead of chirping in front of my window!
29. Play conch shells and yell “Whar…wha..whoooaaa!” at random intervals. Except all I’ll end up saying is “FUCK YOU!” and throw up my hand like a sassy lady.
30. Learn to jump out windows without breaking my legs and use it as a way to pick up ladies with boyfriends. I’ll be wearing a bad ass trenchcoat and I’ll look just like Keanu.
31. Start tattooing faces onto plastic models. My followers will purchase one and give them to friends. Put faces of everyone that’s hurt me on it and then fuck them over. Break everybody hearts! When everyone says they liked this face, I just respond “K” and delete them from my phone.
32. Actually go through all my photos and figure out who this loch ness monster guy really is.
33. Learn how to play harp. If I can learn how to speak bassoon, I can learn how to play the damn thing! DAWG!
34. Kick somebody out of bed in the middle of the night. This counts as harassment in some countries.
35. When flying on planes take off my shoes and suck on matches as loud as possible. Maybe even do pushups on the floor next to my seat.
36. Wake up earlier than sunrise and get right to the gym to cancel my membership.
37. Grow a beard that I only wash twice a week to keep the birds out.
38. Start smoking more. No one wants to smoke around me anymore. I’m becoming a toxic gas.
39. Take a lesson in suplexes. Try to do ten in a row during the day. Most won’t connect though. Hey buddy you disrespecting these pythons?
40. Attend to my personal problems in a more direct way that addresses the problem instead of just looking at YouTube and screaming as loud as I can in frustration, hitting the screen and spitting all over my shirt.