The exciting continuation! What will happen next? Who knows?! I guess you’ll have to read it then.
Your feature presentation
Hogan sits in a room with the only other person in the spaceship. Doom is watching him with a frown on his face. He had no idea that Hogan was going to try to escape. He should have been more careful with the door.
Hogan lets out a sigh.
Doom doesn’t seem to notice.
Hogan sits up, a bit confused. He looks around the room. The walls are bare and featureless. He glances at the window. It looks like the outside is covered in a thick layer of fog. The window is a bit cloudy but not so much that he can’t see outside.
“Where am I?”
“You are on the spaceship, of course,” Doom replies in his typical monotone.
Hogan looks at the man blankly.
“Outer space? Are you sure about that, brother?”
“Yes, I am positive,” Doom replies with an air of annoyance.
Hogan looks around. “Where is the rest of the crew? I thought we were in space.”
“Yes, we are in space,” Doom replied “But we need no crew thanks to my superior intellect!”
“Just who are you?!” Sulk Hogan replies in bewilderment at the technology.
Doom peels off his mask revealing that he is Elon Musk in an exomuscle suit.
“Elon Musk?” Hogan asks, “The founder of Tesla?”
“Yes,” Elon replies.
“I don’t understand.”
“I am a man of many names. Elon is my middle name. I go by Greg Von Doom III in the ring because I’ve always had a soft spot for Pro Wrestling. You see in my native country we used to throw emeralds at the mandingos and it was a lovely sight. Much like staring at Mars longingly.”
“Okay, well, why are we in space?”
“I was in the middle of an experiment. I was testing my latest technology. You see I had built a machine that was able to take all of the Earth’s energy and convert it into money. It was an amazing machine! One day I was watching a video of myself on television. I had no idea it was being filmed. It was very awkward. The cameraman had to go into my closet and film me from the inside.”
“Wait, you mean you built a machine to steal all the Earth’s energy?”
“Yes. I wanted to do good for the planet… THE PLANET OF MARS! MuahahaAHaHAHaHaHAAaHAHAHA!”
“Well, it’s a good thing you got me out of that ring. Wrestling used to be my thing but now I can’t do it very well.” Sulk Hogan says pointing to his old busted hip.
“Oh that’s too bad. I was looking forward to the show.”
“What do you mean?”
“You see, I have brought you into space to fix you. To make you better, faster, and into the superhuman you used to be when I was a young boy playing around with emeralds and selecting my champion.”
“Wait a minute, brother… You mean to say you’re going to fix old Sulkster and bring the Sulkamania back to the good American people of the heartland?” Sulk said with tears welling up in his eyes.
“Precisely. You’ll be a hero again, think about it. Think about it for a while because it takes a minute to get to Mars.”
“What about the kids?”
“What about them?”
“They’ll be all alone when I’m gone.”
“That’s the price we pay for greatness. We do what we have to do for the greater good. Just like when I was a kid I had to leave home and my mom and dad to pursue my dream. They understand, they’re not angry with me.”
“So I should just go with it?”
“Yes, you should go with it.”
Sulk Hogan was starting to accept his fate. He liked the idea of being a champion again. His hip caught on the way to the food replicator and he thought for sure he was going to fall to the ground. After weeks of calling robots “brother” they finally arrived at Mars.
The martian capital was a gleaming beacon of hope for Elon and his concubine, Grimes. He had finally found the planet that would save his company and his race of creepy white South African businessmen. Elon and Grimes were riding on a hover board that was hovering over the vast Martian plains.
“Look at all the Martians! They’re so happy to see us!” Grimes said to Elon.
“Those are people we brought from earth. Maybe leave the thinking to me, and stick to the music. Especially in front of our guest!” Elon snapped at Grimes, who was now frowning.
“Don’t mind me guys, really. I’m just thinking about my life back on earth.” Sulk said and began to cry.
“Oh jeeze, I’m stuck in space with all of these feelings. This is precisely why I became Greg Von Doom III in the first place!” Elon muttered to himself as the hover boards reached their destination.
The outside building said “TRAINING FACILITY” and Elon used a retinal scanner to let everyone in.
Sulk Hogan could not believe his eyes. For one they were sore from crying for 7 months. And two, he was not in Kansas anymore.
“This is not Kansas!” Sulk screamed.
“That’s right, this is Mars.” Elon replied.
“Why is there a statue of a dog with wings?!” Sulk asked.
“Because that’s a dog.” Elon replied. “The martian gravity causes them to grow wings and turn into stone.”
“Holy shit, that’s kind of weird. What is this a Netflix original?” Sulk asks.
Everyone looks at the camera towards a Netflix executive.
Commercial break, and now a word from our sponsors!
“Here is where you’ll be training, Sulk.” Elon said, putting his Greg Von Doom III outfit back on as he spoke.
“This is where you’ll be training, Sulk. Now you have to go and fix all the problems of the universe. You are the man. You are the savior. You are the Sulkster.”
“The Sulkster…” Sulk said. “I miss that sound. The people cheering my name and me breaking down crying as Lobsterback DDTs me with his huge claws and thorax.”
“Good! Let the true you come out. I’ve got a lot of money riding on your next fight which will be right here on Mars!” Doom said.
“So, what’s the plan?” Sulk asked.
“I’ll give you a few minutes to let it all sink in. Then we’ll begin.” Doom replied.
Doom fired up his strength suit and began his training regiment. He began punching holes through unsold Tesla Cybertrucks and counting his reps.
“That’s it, I can’t do this.” Sulk yelled. “I can’t do this. I can’t do this.”
“Do you want to be a champion again?”
“I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know.” Sulk said as he began to cry again.
“Do you want to be the man? The one who saves us all?!”
“I don’t know.”
Elon threw a Cybertruck into the martian mountains and it exploded in the distance.
“Listen, give it some time. Do some training, get yourself fitted for a strength suit. You might like the way it looks on you.” Elon said turning around to reveal the form fitting spandex buttocks on the strength suit he was wearing.
Sulk began training as Elon and Grimes headed back to their headquarters. Sulk went to the strength suit machine and let it scan his aged body.
“It says you have the genetic code of a champion. But we’ll have to make a few adjustments.” The machine said.
A giant needle pops out and injects Sulk Hogan with a serum. Sulk recoils after he realizes what happens but the serum is already in his bloodstream. Suddenly he begins aging backwards. Hair he hadn’t seen since the 1990s began to grow back. Muscles that hurt began to feel alive again. His hip felt great. He looked in the mirror and he remembered his real name.
“I remember who I am now, but I can’t say it because of trademark infringements.” Sulk said to himself and only himself. You didn’t hear nothing. Hulk, no Sulk. Not Hulk Hogan, definitely not.
Suddenly Sulkster gets a phone call on his earth cell phone. He checked the caller ID, and it was The Boulder, Sulks best friendemy.
“What’s up Sulky! Dwayne The Boulder Jones here letting you know I got yet another movie where Jack Black and I play professors who cure cancer. What are you up to? Crying again?”
Sulk got so mad he could have turned into The Incredible Hulk but he did not because he wanted to keep things legal.
“Fuck you, you dick!” Sulk yelled into the phone.
“Wait, what’s that you say? I’m sorry, did you say you’re not in any movies in the next 6 months and you’re stuck doing voice overs?”
“Not anymore punk. I’m working with a guy you might know. Elon Musk!”
“I know Elon. Tells great jokes and has that adorable concubine where all their kids have funny names.”
“You know it, brother!”
“Good for you Sulk. Good for you! Say did he tell you the other part?” Dwayne The Boulder Jones asked mockingly.
“What other part?!”
“That we’re going to fight. I’m going to take all of your records from you Sulk. All of them. Me and Jack Black, we’ve been talking and we’re gonna DESTROY you!”
Sulk Hogan crushes his phone which becomes a pile of debris that forms the last punctuation of this sentence.