Chris Hayes – The MSNBC Adonis

Did you know if you look up ‘Adonis’ in the dictionary there’s only a picture of MSNBC’s Chris Hayes? I did not either, until recently. In fairness, this isn’t my own lack of awareness at work here—as it turns out, Adonis is low in my list of dictionary searches.

Chris Hayes The Definition Of Masculinity

When looking at Chris Hayes, I see a macho man in charge of their own masculinity. I definitely wouldn’t be thinking “Why is that lesbian over there avoiding eye contact with normal people?” No sir, that would be an insult to lesbians and resident News-Chad at MSNBC.

Chris Hayes is my hero. The way he forgettably parrots talking points is immaculate! Not even god himself could read the teleprompter with such a zeal for living. Is Chris really a demigod in some sort of Zeus type situation? I mean look at the muscle mass on his biceps. A man like that could rip a car in twain, easy.

Look at those biceps… They could compress stone into gems!

I know if I was walking down the street late at night and Chris Hayes was walking towards me I’d cross just because it’s akin to standing next to The Rock. Not the movie on Blu-ray, no the wrestler king himself, Dwayne Johnson!

If The Rock and Chris Hayes got into a fight, my money would 100% be on Chris Hayes and his brawny muscles ripping The Rock limb from limb. I just don’t get why Chris had to do it right in front of The Rock’s children.

Extra Extra, gimme the news

As far as the journalism itself goes, it really didn’t interest me but when I look into his dreamy eyes, I see a man I want to become. If I were still a kid, I know that Chris Hayes would be my #1 role model. Forget rappers or athletes, all kids want to be a host of a milquetoast political commentary show on an extremely biased corporate news network!

When Chris has his au pair tuck him in at night, I wonder if she reads him stories in her quaint English accent. Daphne from Frasier was fucking awesome and you know Chris Hayes is so cool he’s got two Daphne-type babes fawning over him. Rubbing his shoulders so he doesn’t go punch a GOP congressmen because it gets him so steamed.

Universally liked, more than normal humans

Can you imagine anyone not being into Chris Hayes? He’s literally the coolest guy in America! Even Mrs. Obama wants to give him the star spangled banner. You have truly great breadth of understanding when the Lady President of the United States calls YOU sexy to other world leaders who get off on hearing about talking heads on foreign television — AKA the real heroes of the world.

That’s right soldiers, astronauts, scientists and other benevolent careerists! Chris Hayes is better than all of you! He said he could beat you all up and he is in peak physical condition rendering any defense you have utterly useless in the face of pure Hayes rage. If his fists were filled with boobs instead of microphones putting the GOP on blast then the whole world would crumble. Celibacy more like celebracy! Right Chris?

Test your might

Someone once told me that Tig Notaro makes Chris Hayes look feminine and I think that is just mean. If you ask me Chris Hayes looks so tough he should be the next Superman! Get on it DC Comics! Get on it or I will tear my own face off and mail it to you because Batman told me to in a fever dream.