The alarm clock flashed 7:00 AM, it was time to get up. Eagle Dave hit the snooze button on his alarm clock. The clock was your standard digital clock with annoying ear piercing alarm so loud that it nearly makes you throw up thinking about the day ahead.
He hit the snooze button for the second time. The clock went off, and he was forced to get out of bed and drag himself to the shower.
He put the water on cold, and turned the shower head to the side to get the spray of water. It was a quick shower, he just wanted to get out and go back to sleep. He got out of the shower, and started to dry off.
He walked into his room, and threw on a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt. He sat down on his bed, and pulled his laptop from his nightstand.
He logged onto his account on his laptop, and checked his email. He had a few emails from work but nothing important. He was about to close his laptop when he saw an email from the government.
He clicked the email and opened it up. It said that he had been selected to be part of a new branch of the military that was going to be deployed to a new area to fight the alien threat. The email said that the government had selected him because he was the best candidate for the job.
He sat there for a moment, thinking about what the email said.
He thought to himself, he was the best candidate because he was an Eagle. All eagles believe in freedom, America, and capitalism. They were born to fight, and die for America.
He smiled to himself. He really was the best candidate because he was an Eagle.
He looked down at his eagle tattoo on his right arm. It was an eagle soaring through the sky. It was a symbol of freedom, and the courage to fight for what was right. He didn’t really know what was right, but he knew what he thought was right.
He grabbed his keys, and headed out of his house. His wife stopped him before he walked out the door.
“Dave honey, aren’t you forgetting something” his wife, Porche Lamborgina said in her negligee she wore the night before.
“Oh yes. Have a good day dear.” Eagle Dave said as he gave her a peck on the cheek and walked out the door.
He started up his car, the sedan he referred to as The Eagle Mobile. It wasn’t anything special but it got him around. Today though he decided to drive right to the government office and discuss the letter. He hadn’t heard anything about the alien threat.
He was in the government building, sitting in a chair waiting for his turn to see a government official.
“So Dave, the government has chosen you to be part of the elite branch of the military.” The government official said.
“Yes sir, that’s correct.” Eagle Dave said.
“Well, you’re a good man, and a good man deserves to be rewarded. Here is your reward.” The government official said as he handed him a black briefcase.
“What is this?” Eagle Dave asked.
“It’s a black briefcase. The government has decided to give you this briefcase, and tell you to fill it full of alien cash.”
“You got it chief.” Eagle Dave said with a smile on his face.
“Here are the details. As you can see the aliens broke out of Area 51 where we had them contained. They were angry that no one stormed the place and broke free. You see these aliens are unlike other aliens. They are not good. They are very evil and want to kill every human being. They want to destroy us all. They are here, and they are going to kill us all.”
“That’s it?” Eagle Dave said.
“That’s it, you can go now.” The government official said.
Eagle Dave got up, and walked out the door. He was really hating those alien scumbags right now. He knows that if the government says the aliens are bad, then they are super bad dudes. The government would never kill anyone innocent and Area 51 needed its test subjects back. Bacon-Bits aren’t going to make themselves!
Eagle Dave drove to Area 51 to gather evidence. He parked his car in the parking lot. He got out of his car, and started walking towards the building. He had a mission to do, and he wasn’t going to screw it up.
As he walked towards the building he saw an alien flipping him off. He had a small gun, and it was pointed at him. Eagle Dave pulled out his gun, and shot the alien.
He walked into the building, and he saw the alien he just killed. He walked up to it, and kicked it to make sure it was dead.
“The aliens are here. The aliens are here.” Eagle Dave said as he put the alien in his briefcase.
He looked around, and saw the aliens in their test chambers. They were all screaming now. They were afraid.
Eagle Dave walked over to one of the aliens, and looked at him. He said, “What’s your name?”
“I’m Slziamanaoxutxiz, who the fuck are you?” The alien said.
“My name is Eagle Dave, and I’m here to save the world from the alien scum. What is it you?” Eagle Dave asked.
“We aliens are NOT scum. We came to your planet seeking cellular service! We want to be like you, but your government is being evil to us.” Slziamanaoxutxiz said.
“LIAR! THE GOVERNMENT WOULD NEVER BE EVIL!” Eagle Dave said as he pulled out his bazooka he kept for occasions like this where some alien bitch is mouthing off about America.
“A bazooka? Really? I think I’m going to die.” Slziamanaoxutxiz said as he got on the ground.
Eagle Dave walked over to him, and shot him in the head twice with the bazooka. It sprayed alien juice everywhere.
“Fuck that! You’re dead! You are dead now!” Eagle Dave yelled as he shot the alien.
The aliens were dead.
The government gave Eagle Dave a $10 gift certificate to Applebee’s and a medal made out of tarnished brass. Eagle Dave let out a tear of joy. This was the happiest moment of his life and he earned it. He earned it not only for himself, but for generations to come. Americans everywhere now bow down and worship Eagle Dave, the defeater of all aliens.
If you listen closely you can hear the crowd chanting:
EAGLE DAVE. USA. EAGLE DAVE. USA. EAGLE DAVE. USA.