Who Will Be Our Next Skeleton President?

Which skeleton is going to be our next president? If you’re having trouble deciding, I’ve got some advice: Just throw a dart at the ballot sheet and sleep soundly.

Skeleton President has it all figured out. First he’s 1000 years old and he was there when sailing was a novelty.

Next he could crack open your skull with one of his giant bones. And lastly he’ll send your dead uncle Jimmy to the funny farm.

A truly strong leader, the Skeleton President has set America on a path towards a bright future where pie tastes like ketchup and we’ll have to work until we’re 72 just to pay for college.

Please welcome The Skeleton President.

Is it true that the Skeleton President once fell asleep while carrying nuclear codes in a suitcase on the street?

Yes, but it’s not what you think. He wasn’t tired or anything. It was actually a message from Jesus telling me how many times I needed to get laid this year.

Does the Skeleton President know what the difference between “Evolution” and “Intelligent Design” is?

No, I told him, it doesn’t really matter since everyone is too dumb to care anyway.

What are the top 3 things the Skeleton President would do if elected?

He’d appoint a supreme court justice who hates the media, tax breaks for illegal immigrants, and a Secret Service detail full of 16-year-old prostitutes that blow powerful business magnates for blackmail.

Does Skeleton President have ‘skeletons’ in his closet?

Haha, no Skeleton President is perfect in every way! However, in my opinion he has no extra skeletons. In fact, he can barely fit any more skeletons in his closet! When he opened up the door earlier today he found an entire prehistoric tribe of saber tooth tigers, a T-Rex, and a small army of cavemen…but there were just too many of them! So they had to go back outside. It was a little crowded in there! Oh well.

Is Skeleton President a republican or a democrat?

YES! Next question.

Does Skeleton President hate black people?

Of course he does! HE’S A PRESIDENT!

Thanks for your time Skeleton President. Good luck on election day!

I don’t know which skeleton you’re voting for but I’m going to vote at least three times from my many illegal identities. Like famous pornographer Quentin Cockarino. Also, not sure if it matters but my mom’s maiden name was Molotov. Politics, right folks? It’s a crazy game and even crazier world!

Skeleton President’s campaign promises:

  • More Tax Breaks For Billionaires
  • Blow Up Everything Since All You Do Is Complain Online
  • Prostitutes For All
  • Kill Your Uncles For Money, Then Throw Them Away
  • Break Your Little Brother With A Bony Foot
  • Less Meat For You. Get Used To Vegetables And Bugs. Mmmmm Maggots.
  • Destroy The Supreme Court, Just So They Can Make A Law That Says You Must Work Until You Die And Forever After
  • No Wait, One More Thing. Bring Back Slavery But For Everyone, Oh Wait They Did That Already Fuck
  • Legalize Gay Marriage Even More So You Have To Be Gay
  • Execute People Who Smoke Pot
  • Destroy Capitalism But Blame It On China For Some Reason
  • Change All Laws By Sucking Up To Hitler On Twitter Because The Rule Of Law Is Boring As Hell And Makes Me Sick
  • Blame Israel For Terrorism Against Us
  • Eat The World’s Sushi Supply So People In Austin Texas Have To Develop Personalities
  • Abolish Your Mama Who Is Fat
  • Move Earth’s Orbit So That It Flings Off Into Distant Reaches Of Space
  • Make Elon Musk Bring Old Twitter Back So All Those Losers Don’t Bug Me On Other Sites
  • Wage War On Iran Just ‘Cause We Want To See How Bad It Gets
  • Decapitate The Moon, So We Won’t Have Any Long Term Problems From Earthlings Spying On Us From Above
  • Kill Kim Kardashian’s Parents And Blame The Poor
  • Give Lots Of Monopolies To Powerful Business People Who Also Want To Be President Someday
  • Kill Climate Scientists And Hire People In Dresses Instead


Avatar photo


Writer/Editor. Drinker of Soy. Eater of Soy. Lover of Soy. Don't judge.