Tips To Deal With Robot Police Dogs

Robot dogs are here now and of course they’re working for the cops, but what happens when one goes bad like the cop from Training Day?

This is why we’ve prepared a few tips to help you out of a jam should a robot dog come barking at your door. No one should be caught with their pants down when it comes to the robots patrolling the streets with foam dripping out of their mechanical mouths looking for a fresh kill to eat.

It’s true not all robot dogs are evil but you don’t get a chance to see it’s character sheet before it comes running down the street chasing the god damn robot mailman before it lays eyes upon you, a fatter more corn-fed beast who lazes about reading internet articles all day!

Watch out people, watch out.

Tips to deal with a robot dog:

  • Flip it over and pet its robot belly. They love this and will wag their tail made of spikes, so protect your skin from the razor sharp spikes.
  • Tell it you’re a human and it’ll respond by wagging its tail and smiling before it brings you “universal basic outcome”, which is death.
  • Use a knife to cut its head off. It can’t think if it has no CPU! Bonus points if you turn it into an aquarium for your upcycling friends.
  • Put a bullet in its head. Same as above but louder!!! Bang bang bang, no more robofido but guess what it was a T-1000!
  • Tell it “sit fido”, but wear a hockey mask or it might tear your face off. Robot dogs respect Jason Vorhees because they want to be him!
  • Call your congressman. Tell them to vote no on all the robot dog laws except the ones that prevent the robots from dancing on our heaping pile of skeletons. You know the bones that used to be us laughing and playing and getting along?
  • Hack it like the game Watch Dogs. According to the game hacking is super easy so don’t be a noob when the time comes.
  • Feed it a bowl full of scrap metal. Next time you’re junking your piece of shit car, ask for a doggy bag and it might just save your life!
  • Ask it if it needs to go for a walk then throw the robot off a bridge! Don’t forget the poop bag to look inconspicious to its hositility scanners.
  • Never say KING KONG AINT GOT SHIT ON ME! It turns out bad, ok. Don’t ask me how I know.

As you can see technology is exciting. There are robots in the sky, robots on the ground, and all they can do is kill and make hamburgers.

Is that scary? Not at all, Soylent Green is good for the skin. Now EAT UP!

If you don’t like robot dogs then maybe you’re not as hip and with it as the rest of us with the microchips implanted into our brains. Some of us like seeing commercials in our sleep and our barcode tattoos on our necks. Some of us like being sold to alien slavers. BIGOT! Deal with our life choices or you are pure evil, not the aliens, not us, YOU!

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Bolt Hed

Writer/Contributor. Bolt give me strength.