We Review: Scream (2022)

It’s no secret we get advance copies of everything! Scream (2022) is no different. It’s a reboot, it’s a sequel, it slices, it dices, it leads you through the twists and turns with honor.

The Plot So Far…

Twenty-five years after the original series of murders in Woodsboro, a new killer emerges, and Sidney Prescott must return to uncover the truth. That’s what they want you to think!

Courtney Cox starts the movie by walking up the sidewalk in her walker with tennis balls. Aww man, now I’m getting scared. I’m getting old and I’m going to die soon too! What if my wife walks me to the chair?

David Arquette plays Dewey Riley, based on Frodo Baggins or something. Hooray he has shaggy brown hair. Cool! He reminds me so much of Sam Gamgee! In an hour he gets his first letter from reporters and then falls down over a typewriter. John Ritter shows up as well as a hologram rapping with Tupac. We’re definitely screaming by this point. Arquette is less fun on screen than watching a baguette rise in the oven and less delicious.

Sidney Prescott (Neve Campbell, Bruce Campbell’s bratty younger sister) wants to interview for a copywriting position at Covian Labs which publishes advertising standards manuals. Of course we don’t know who she actually is because she’s gotten so fucking old.

“People say that the young man’s voice crackles like ice.”—it really doesn’t, nope nope nope nope. “He says, ‘I have got a strange premonition that no danger will come my way.'”

This is right before Screamy (the villain in the trademark mask) thrusts his blade deep into his chest. We’re glad to see Arquette finally choke on his own blood (in movie form, come on!)

“All ya’ll bitches ready to Scream?” Screamy says with the titular line over a bluetooth speaker.

You would assume the monster had fed enough over the years with the various sequels but he’s back with an unquenchable thirst for blood and cash.

Deputy Judy Hicks (Marley Shelton) pulls up doing the usual cop thing. She has just been promoted, which makes sense as she had earned it. Hey you, why are you not dead yet?! I still love your damn computer-generated mustache.

Screamy comes out of a 7/11 with a Big Gulp, a questionable marketing product placement power move. We don’t like that shit one bit! Your cheeseburgers suck 7/11!

He throws Mandy Patinkin down onto some kind of guillotine built into the cellar wall of the saloon. It also works wonderfully as a restroom and boot factory. Good choice!

“When does money wash away humanity?” Screamy says to himself in the mirror crying the whole time.

The basement, underground lair of his evil facility is hellfire yellow and smells horrible. These baddies never did update their decorating choices do they?

Billy Loomis (Jim Belushi) flies in looking like Dolph Lundgren. Okay, I’ll admit he looks kind of silly in his dog costume; wearing sunglasses and snorkeling goggles. (Seriously, there are probably people out there celebrating the fact Billy bought eye protection)

For a sequel there was a surprising lack of diversity. And Courtney Cox stopped rapping. On the plus side Neve Campbell added a little more sex appeal to the already kickass villain Sidney Prescott, by acting like how could she resist doing all the things she tried to avoid the entire movie. Check those curves girl!

Here is Campbell showing us, in movie form, exactly what our classic lines of dialog will become. Look away for the censorship stuff…anyway. Arquette says, “Why am I always getting sidetracked during my sexual encounters?” You may have guessed correctly, judging by how angry he looks.

He even rubs his partner’s pussy for maximum response to his last line: “I might be biased here, okay?” He hasn’t become bitter after all. You win Sidney, you win you crazy bitch.

Overall I give it a solid 4 out 100. There are a lot of assholes walking around out there causing pain. Hollywood sucks, out of ideas, the usual bullshit. This is boring! Like an extended commercial for mediocrity.