Holy Cow, We Reviewed The Batman (2022)!

The Batman is exciting. It stars Robert Pattinson famous for being a sparkling vampire in the movie Twilight. We break down the movie so you don’t have to see it, because we didn’t see it either. We were too busy watching the new Morbius movie and getting a lobotomy.


Batman begins, but not that movie, that movie was alright.

The Batman starts out, it’s raining in Gotham. It always god damn rains in god damn Gotham. The Crow said it can’t rain all the time, but he was a dead guy so what the hell does he know?

Batman was hanging out alone in the bat cave one night when he saw the bat signal in the sky. That’s right, the bat signal. The bat cave has a skylight, duh. He has no idea where the crime is exactly because it’s actually a lousy way to dispatch so he appears next to the bat signal even though he has a billion dollar budget for gadgets.

“Hey Gordon, you were great as Basquiat, I watch it every time it’s on cable.” Batman says to James Gordon who has started the bat signal.

“Thanks Batman. We have some crimes to attend to though.” Gordon says urgently.

“Nothing can compare to the crimes of keeping a young black man out of the police force, right my brother?” Batman says donning his kente cloth he borrowed from Nancy Pelosi’s desk.

“The bank is being robbed Batman.” Gordon said interrupting Batman.

“I feel proud to accept you as commissioner Gordon and I want the children to know that anything is possible if you put your mind to it. Even a black man rising the ranks to police commissioner in a city swept up by anarchy but somehow has a functioning economy.” Batman said.


Batman nodded.

The next scene they’re inside the bank. It’s raining, it always rains in Gotham. It’s a bank, what else would you expect? The bad guys are dressed as the joker, the lizard man, one is dressed like felon Martha Stewart.

“Holy crap, it’s the Batman!” One of the bad guys says.

Batman kicks him in the face.

“Batman, that was an impressive display of the use of force.” Gordon says.

“I’M THE BATMAN!” Batman yells.

“Yeah, I know.” Gordon said.

Batman picks up one of the bad guys and throws him at the other.

“BATMAN!” The other bad guy says.

Batman throws them both at each other and punches the lizard man in the face.

The police thank Batman except one guy who has had it with his renegade ways.


“The riddler is behind this?!” Batman says as he leaves.

Back at the Batcave, Alfred tells him to stop doing all the Batman things if he wants to live to be Batman any longer. Batman ignores him and continues to do Batman things.

Batman shows up to see Penguin but he has to fight his goons. His goons suck at fighting. Batman’s fighting skills are not to be messed with.

“Penguin, I’m here to give you a chance to turn yourself in.” Batman says.

“Batman, I would love to but I have to get going. If you want me, I’ll be doing crimes elsewhere.”

Batman notices some woman who looks at him a lot.

Batman leaves and notices her doing some Cat Woman shit later only to discover she is Cat Woman. Holy crap, what are the odds super smart Batman wonders.

The next scene is Batman doing the Batman things at the museum. The museum is also being robbed.

“Holy shit, it’s the Batman!” One of the bad guys says.

Batman kicks them all in the face. CASE CLOSED.

Then it is revealed by The Riddler that they must unite to stop Donald Trump from being reelected.

“I’m the Batman!” Batman says to Donald Trump.

“Holy shit, it’s the Batman!” Donald Trump says.

Batman kicks him in the face and stops the bad condo deal from happening in Gotham.

Batman and Cat Woman ride off into the sunset where it’s raining. Damn they’re sexy.

Biden eats some applesauce. Freedom is saved.