Kanye made some bad tweets and boy do we got news for him. We’re setting up the old Red Bull Stratos stunt jump and pushing him off the ledge! It seems like the only reasonable thing for people to do at this point.
It’s fun, now do it!
Now Kanye, everybody knows you’ve never jumped out of a plane before let alone the stratosphere but I have a great idea for you, and keep in mind that it’s a lot of fun.
You don’t even need to drink the energy juice known as Red Bull because you can just use your ability of flight. Everyone knows that Mr. West is an avid reader of Mutant Bunker, so I’m sure he’ll be ready by tomorrow.
Death con 3: with a vengeance
How’s that for ‘death con 3’, huh? The jump from the stratosphere is pretty crazy, not that I’d really go through with it or anything. I’m too afraid of a three rung step ladder.
Kanye though, he is fearless. When he starts flapping his arms, and he sails to anywhere on the globe all the haters will be crying.
If there is anybody willing to go for the ultimate underdog victory over such a brilliant opponent then my friend ‘Kanye’ should definitely have your back.
They’re jealous Ye is a free bird. So what if he can’t go to Sketchers HQ, he can go to Shanghai and see the museums.
The day arrives
As he jumps without any gear, he wonders if this would become a valid form of avian warfare. After five hundred feet of midair texting with a bored expression he starts flapping his arms in vain.
You wouldn’t expect anything more out of the typically shy pop star who struggles with his narcissism just enough to post something angry once every six months.
He starts vlogging on the way down. He’s insulting Cher, Jay-Z, the bald guy from Shark Tank, Renée Zellweger and basically everybody and anyone. Yeah, so much for being scared up here.
He’s mad that the world has come against him and invented the force of gravity which doesn’t allow him to turn himself into a dove and flap his wings of peace.
The pressure of entering the atmosphere is taking its toll on our brave hero. Ye quickly gets an idea, no, a thought that’s currently circulating throughout the universe right now: call my boy Elon.
After Kanye finishes explaining the situation, Elon Musk quickly deploys a space submarine to rescue Kanye from certain doom. The submarine immediately reaches Kanye’s location, slingshotting between a few thousand Starlink satellites which blot out the night sky in the formation of a giant penis. The spacecraft lands in a helicopter, and Kanye is saved.
“Whatever, I wasn’t even scared.” Kanye said and walked out of the room.
Elon looked up from his phone to see if anyone had liked his new tweets that were considered by many to be “dank memes”.
No one did. All of the strangers and peasants of the Internet hadn’t received the message because Kanye had spit on every satellite in the northern hemisphere to get back at “the sky hobgoblins that control technology like in the documentary Spiderman”.
You can hear all about it on his next album. I hear it’s going to go platinum any day now.