OMG OMG OMG Elon Buys Twitter!

Elon has done it again! He bought Tweetdeer, the worst start-up ever. No, wait… This one is even better! There are rumors that he may buy the planet next.

He bought the site for 44 quadrillion emeralds he had in his left pocket.

So what now? How will this company save us?

Does this mean he will go down with us? To paraphrase Samuel Beckett’s iconic nihilist character from his play Waiting for Godot, “Yes.” We are leaving Earth in 8 minutes, Elon. Enjoy your last 24 hours on Earth. Report to Mars for mining duty.

Or did you volunteer? Ha ha! You haven’t let us down yet, so keep buying those stocks! I hear Tesla someday will make robot girlfriends so someone will be impressed by your ability to repeat things you saw on Reddit.

Tweet your tears away

Twitter is the worst site of them all. It is a narcissistic echo chamber where the media and politicians pretend it’s some reality based sandbox that’s representative of everyone and everything. When in reality it is mentally ill people arguing with trolls, bots, and shills. These fake users have hijacked one of the most important global communication platforms to espouse their silly bullshit agenda. Apparently they don’t get enough insults at home.

Elon of course loves Twitter for his investment schemes that are totally not pump and dump. Maybe if he stopped posting paranoid rants about taking over society, there would be something interesting to read.

Hey you guys, do you need somewhere to build a Martian city? I think we can lease some space in my twitter bubble.

Days since Elon

It’s been a long while since Elon had some kind of controversy, probably 14 minutes. Not bad at all. If only other human beings weren’t using this platform too. I say we let Elon talk to the robots and work out some personal issues. I know it works great for me! Siri, who is the most beautiful of them all?

Elon has been getting into weird stuff lately. He was once declared dead for 6 weeks by himself! The guy at the bus stop told me that Elon once told Brittney Spears to “shove it gutter skank” and pushed her into Earth’s orbit and replaced her with one of the secret Tesla robots he keeps around to amuse him.

Have you ever seen Elon laugh? He only laughs at two things. Memes, money, and robot knockers. (I swear he didn’t write that last part.)

If he wants to control the world, Twitter is a great first start. People talk about the metaverse but how about the Twitterverse? A virtual reality of its own. Still there might be room in the Twitterverse for more Twitterbots than humans, or so Elon says. (Not you though Siri!) Twitterbots could destroy competition before it starts by ruthlessly censoring tweets during the apocalypse for example.

Terminators are people too

Of course this is all just speculation but it sure sounds like fun. I for one believe the Terminator films were about Elon and his family rising to power. If you look closely you can see his eyes glowing red, just don’t ask him to show you his robot skeleton fingers. That part is freaky deaky dude!

If you want to fight Elon on Twitter, you’d better watch your account because he’s admin now and everyone who used forums knows that you do not anger the admins. Even a witty use of an acronym can lead to a ban. Keep doing what you’re doing though Elon because we love it. No one would be a creepy weirdo who loves oddball PR like you.

A match made in heaven

Twitter and Elon Musk were made for each other, more so than Elon and Grimes. YOU SHOULD BE WITH ME GRIMES I AM THREE MILLION TIMES AS POOR AS HE IS! WHAT DOES HE HAVE THAT I DON’T?! Oh yeah, everything. Literally everything. Isn’t life unfair?