Throw Away All Gizmos, Country Life Is Best!

AI, crypto, Twitter?! I reckon it’s time I let you tech folk know how us country folk feel about things. We’re not wild, we’re simple folks; we don’t have the money for these gizmos that some of you here seem to be all in love with.

Country life is the best way of living and if you don’t agree then you’re a damn city fool, and you know what get off my property

So, if you want to understand what it’s like being a real man with swollen hands and a sore back, then read on. If you’re one of those Macintosh loving latte sipping , MacBook sporting, Twitter-tweeting, bitcoins loving geeks, then you can just click off now and forget I ever wrote this.

But for those of you who actually like to hear an old man speak, then pull up a chair and hear my country wisdom. Take a deep breath, feel that, that’s rich country air. That feeling you’re feeling is oxygen entering your lungs. Feel it in your bones, feel it in your blood. This is the feeling that keeps us country folk alive.

You city folk got your pagers, your world wide web, but do you have a tractor to pick up dead animals that die in your lawn? I didn’t think so.

Oh, you have your computers and your gadgets but they’re running out of power faster than you can recharge them. But we country folk still have our dogs and ol’ Rufus he never gets tired of playing fetch.

The Real America

You know, if you city folk want to know what the real world is like, then you need to get off your electronic devices and learn some of the country ways.

Country ways have worked well enough for us country folk for hundreds of years. We just recently learned what e-mail and Yelp is. Prior to that we all believed it was a series of Tomagotchi pet key chains your granddaughter left behind when she was here learning how to butcher chickens. Yeah,we make our kids work here in the country.

While all you city folk are primping and crying about your Starbucks we’re making our own coffee and letting our scraggly hair fall into it. Extra protein boosts are free in the country because there’s always some sort of dead animal.

Gloves are a good thing to have in the country

You think your smart phone can get a dead beaver out of the dryer? I don’t think so. Not unless there’s “an app for that”.

You kids just need to man up and put on your dead animal gloves and then brush them off and cook the deer you just caught trying to steal your car stereo. Yeah, they learned it from you city folk. You got them all jacked up on your potent city drugs and they come out here looking for their fix.

Revenge is a dish that’s best served cold

I am chewing on a chunk of venison right now so you know I am telling you the truth. While I am sitting here chewing or “masticating” as you cityfolk like to say, I am contemplating deep astrophysical calculations. Yeah we got science out in the country too, fancy pants.

We don’t sit around and complain about how the sun is going to burn out. We know how long a full chicken takes to rot so we figure out how many we can put in one oven. No need to get on your electronic gadgets to blog about how mean your waiter was, we wait on ourselves out here.

This is the America it used to be before Steve Jobs messed it up for everyone. Now if you don’t mind, there’s a dead eagle in my soup and I didn’t put it there.

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Writer/Contributor. Likes working out, drinking slime, and hassling nerds.