GTA 6 is looking good! We’re so fucking sexy and important we got a sneak copy and played the hell out of it. First I have to say that this Grand Theft Auto might just be the best. The way the hookers beg for mercy as you torture them to death is just like when I played Mario on SNES on Christmas morning. It’s totally badass!
THE BACK STORY
In case you’re some noob who doesn’t know anything, in Grand Theft Auto VI or GTA6, you play as Gary O’Neal, a bagel merchant from Ireland who came to America looking for a better life. In this story you’re an ordinary businessman trying to drum up business for your new strawberry dessert bagel.
Then all of a sudden the biker gang the KKK attacks you and tries to kill you with racist machetes.
You have to fight them off with day old loaves of french bread which easily break bones. I’m telling you, if you aren’t playing this game right now you are missing out on one hell of a ride.
CAMEOS OUT THE WAZOO
Other characters include Senn Penn is his usual Rambo garb, he gives you a mission where you must go to the fictional country of Ukkkraine to blow Zelensky personally while Puttin watches in disgust.
Don’t worry; Puttin is there to protect you from snipers and the entire Ukkkraine military since they still haven’t gotten over that whole silly war thing.
TOO BAD THERE’S A NEW WAR IN TOWN AND IT’S BAGELS!
MANY ABILITIES
One interesting part of the game is that instead of using guns, each character has their own special abilities to defeat other people.
For example, Lawyer Stephen Cortez can do his special move where he will unzip his pants and poop on anyone. This forces everyone to surrender because you can’t deny someone pooping on you. This doesn’t make sense but whatever makes him happy.
Also, Rapper Hotdog McNair uses his ability called Boogie Down to heal coworkers when they’re sad about their wage slavery.
The point is these unique talents and moves add to the game and makes it feel more realistic. Everyone has an ability whether it be slowing time down or counting jelly beans really well.
CAR JOB
The cars handle like a dream and every single one is like getting 1,000 blow jobs from top shelf supermodels. Not those horrible ones you see in clothing catalogs, ewwwwwwwwwww!
So next time you want to go cruising around in a car, don’t get one of those shitty cheapsies with busted ass windows and springs in the seats.
As usual there is a lot of great missions in the game but here are some of our favorites:
- Befriending homeless people and having them live with me forever
- Wiping character’s wet butt with the inside of their underwear
- Riding an invisible bicycle across Canada at the speed of light
- Beating up street punks then pissing on them as they lie on the ground crying for their mommies
- Sharing ice cold lemonade on a hot day
- Bagging groceries at Kroger so that no-one else ever has to
- Having hundreds of balloons tied to my dick and going to clown school
- Peeing into baby bottles
ROCKSTAR ARE STILL ROCKSTARS IN MY DUMB FAT EYES
As you can see Rockstar wanted to do something different with this game and I think they succeeded. I truly believe this GTA will be the one that makes you become a life long criminal who dies from too many rockets up his ass.
Hopefully when you guys get it they don’t change anything because it was like giving your mind orgasms while also tapping into a racing simulator. It sounds crazy but it’s like a mix between Spore and ET on Atari.
So what are you waiting for? Get yourself a journalist job or wait until its released like some sort of peon who smells like piss.
