How To Be A REAL Gamer

Scoliosis. Diabetes. Vitamin D deficiency. Being a hardcore gamer is glamorous. If you want to get all of the points and win the game for everyone you need to follow our tips.

First here is a gamer’s glossary:

Game – Kick ass replica of reality. I AM KING NOW!
Gamer Fuel – 12 trays of pizza rolls and Mt Dew chased with a 4 pack of Redbull.
Biobreak – Changing diaper, be right back.
Noob – Guy who didn’t buy the game yesterday, dumbass.
Dudebro – King troll of MMOs with 300 levels, 700k gold, purple bracer

Pick a Persona

Now that you know the jargon it’s time to pick out your gamer persona. We all play games differently and the sooner you figure out how you play the better. Let’s begin…

Vegas Steve

We’re going to focus on using item farming (making everything) as your main in-game strategy. You will need to farm up items so you can drop more often and kill at range before aggroing enemies, but have some way to wipe faces if shit hits the fan, also keep food buffed. The higher your profession the more nourishing your food buff.

Tank Bank Dank Crank

As mentioned above you are carrying 1 level 70 berk (weapon) AND 20 level 80 Hardcore outfits. You have the power to grant your characters demonic health boost when wielding one. Pop on another shotgun helmet and get to blastin!

Debby McPaladin

A brave warrior with some fancy heeled combat boots for best mobility. Popular among the old ladies because she wears robes and complains about being cold all the time. OH MY PALADIN OVARIES! Heh.

Rogue Jim Beam Jack Hammer

Can not say jack squat without using emotes. By using emote communication becomes as easy as snacking on crackerjack cereal in the public toilet. Cast crowd control spells as fast as you grab quarters from a harried camp follower. Your follower carries a banjo and it is amazing.

Powerlord Schizophrenic Gameplayer with Strong Loyalty to Fortnite

Your dude has been too much in town and can no longer handle melee enemies. Always jumps from a high place and chases people around giggling. Lets his scifi/cyberpunk character tell people what to do for him. To me that means you should definitely punch him in the balls, then kick him while screaming expletives until he dies.

Groupie Dragon Looter

Hangs out, but only loots dragons. HEY I KILLED THAT DRAGON MOTHERFUCKER! Can someone find that treasure map?

King Ralph Shitswad

The one guy who goes full retard, sounds just like John Goodman. But actually this guy kills a lot, can take ten men on his own. Perfect party boss who steals hats off kids heads when they aren’t looking. Some say he’s somebody’s uncle, but no one really knows where he came from.

Zombiebot Any Hour Now

Got nothin’ to lose, idles, runs in circles, you can’t tell if he’s a bot or not. Exists solely to toss the first grenade. Doesn’t do much damage. Hides behind a rock for cover or tries to stand up near high tier mob.