Crimes I Confess To For A Cheeseburger

We’ll gladly confess to any crimes for a cheeseburger. Please officer, I sure could go for a Big Mac right about now. I’m young and gullible, you got $5 and a quota of cases to solve so why don’t we help each other?

Crimes We Didn’t Commit But Are Confessing To In Exchange For A Cheeseburger

I was with Jack The Ripper way back when. He asked me if I could give him a ride since he didn’t have a car. I borrowed Doc’s magic time traveling car from that movie we all know and love.

I had a cheetah growing up. Its name was Jane the Jungle Whore and it was constantly raping things. My family just accepted that’s what a cat does. Then one day it went on a killing spree. Oopsie.

I shoplifted a sports stadium. Do you want fries with that sir? They were thirty-one games over budget and needed my money. Nobody was hurt, except Bud Kilpatrick and those penguins out front. I even stole their hats.

One day I took seventy buses without paying the fare. I didn’t even need to go anywhere I just wanted to screw over the city!

I called up everybody in our neighborhood demanding to be babysat but I wouldn’t come to them and tell them why.

A patient who had been in my office saw me leaving his room around five o’clock in the morning and then assumed I was building a Frankenstein monster. It’s because I WAS!

On multiple occasions I walked into accident scenes where innocent people were in mortal danger and I confessed to both the police and said ambulance crews so they would put it in their reports. Because I DID do it!

I never, ever read a book but I did use them for toilet paper. Homer’s Odyssey, never heard of it but it makes great 2-ply!

I’ve taken eighteen smoke breaks with no more than two minutes between each time, and I’d still light ’em all on fire if they let me back in there.

I poked an endangered panda with a sharp stick! Daaaaaaamn they’re grumpy as fuck. I only wanted a laugh you dumb bear.

That burger was delicious, now let me have my phone call!