It’s Time For Spring Cleaning

Spring cleaning is here again. The snow is melting and we’re looking at all the junk we bought during Christmas. I mean, what the hell is up with all of the pumpkin seeds and shot glasses?

Here are some handy dandy spring cleaning tips:

1. Ask the pelican you’re fostering to pay rent. He’ll leave immediately and that’ll cut down on the loose bird seeds that keeps clogging up the sinks.

2. Write about Michael Phelps’ successes on a piece of paper, put it in a large glass jar by your bedside, and shake once an hour every morning when the sun comes out. By noon the writing will be almost completely worn off. If you have any sheets left they can be given as a wedding present.

3. Always clean the cages in the basement first, unless you want guests escaping! “Don’t worry, I locked them in there for good reasons!”

4. Why spend thousands of dollars repainting the walls when you could just let them start staining on their own? With our household numbers of disgusting co-workers, this is just one less thing to worry about.

5. Donate old clothes to any charity that accepts lumberjack clothes. Tig Notaro plans on buying them all.

6. Put double sided tape on your feet so you can get the cobwebs on the ceiling. You should really wear these with comfy shoes though. Spiderman wore sneakers and so shall you!

7. Paint each room different colors, then paint angry clowns holding weapons to motivate you to lose those winter pounds. Scary clowns will make you be away from your kitchen.

8. Instead of doing laundry, become a nudist.

9. Practice throwing trash cans against porches without burning anyone, preferably while intoxicated.

10. Make two piles of stuff you’re organizing. One for dead things and one for alive things.

11. Pretend no one remembers about the dishwasher still being in the basement (for at least one more week). They won’t notice until they need a fork.

12. Water stains are God’s favorite mistake. Yellow and saggy? I call it mellow yellow with a laidback attitude. Nothing is gonna ruin my spring!

13. Sell your computer and donate the money to getting plastic surgery. You’re fucking ugly with your giant head polluting the skyline.

14. Plant your flower beds over time. Then wait twenty years and it’ll be an unappealing weed patch that needs attention.

15. Skip going to the gym and start training to be a mercenary. Work only three hours a day, sleep in hammocks at night, burn oil from Nigeria, go around shooting people who speak about walruses. Try not to shoot wildlife conservationists or girls making T-shirts emblazoned with antlers, they’re pretty hip.