How To Catch A Leprechaun

St. Patrick’s day is coming up. That means, green beer, corned beef, and catching leprechauns.

Know your enemy!

Leprechauns are known to have treasure, wear green, have hats with clovers and they are always playing tricks on people! As a consequence of Irish trickery, Leprechauns are hard to catch, so one might ask, how do you catch a leprechaun?

We’ve all seen the youtube video of the alleged leprechaun hunter with the magic whistle, but let me tell you — THAT WAS A SHAM!

Ideas for catching leprechauns:

1. Box of Lucky Charms placed nearby a rainbow — These mythical beasts cannot resist calcium carbonate covered oats with super sweet marshmallows. The state pays for their insulin so they’ll eat as many “breakfast” cereals as needed!

2. Money left in an envelope — Leprechauns love coinage, but only because it makes them feel like criminals. Some cultures use Gold or Silver coins. Better yet, if they look just like euro coins, European governments will hand over tons of freshly minted cash whenever leprechauns say something funny.

3. Four leaf clover boxer shorts — If a leprechaun looks in your underwear drawer be protected by wearing green or he’ll pinch off your genitals with his lobster claw hands. That’s leprechauns right?

4. Glowing crystal ball — Great ones also emit large amounts of alpha rays that if properly tuned can attract leprechauns from a distance, however this requires creating thick glass, suspending water beneath, then distilling uranium through X ray crystallization. It won’t be easy but maybe that brainiac neighbor kid can help you.

5. Come home drunk on St. Paddy’s day. — Getting hammered on green beer and eating too much cabbage and corned beef is sure to lure all the leprechauns to the yard.

6. Nothing! — One should never try to capture a leprechaun and is a foolhardy person for doing so. Be advised that chasing after a diminutive Irishman trying to wear a torn hat with a pot of gold that is hidden at the end of a light spectrum is not ideal for spine, neck and upper body joints.

This exercise is inherently dangerous. The leprechauns nowadays have ties to the IRA and they will blow up your god damn car, buddy.