Et Tu, Bro? Billy Eichner Sets The Record Straight

Billy is on the street and he’s looking mad! Why is he mad you might ask? His movie isn’t doing so well. It failed miserably at the box office!

Don’t blame me bro.

What happened?!

According to Billy Eichner it was straight people who throw darts at pictures of him. This makes him angry, and you wouldn’t like him when he’s angry! I’m talking about full-on raging angry.

It’s very obvious from the latest comments he made this week on social media about taking the Bane serum and going after straight people in a West Side Story influenced all out brawl.

“Straight people need to take their dicks out of vaginas and go see Bros… or else.” Billy Eichner said in an affable lisp while bench pressing a small motorbike.

That thing weighs 600 lbs, easy.

How is he doing it? Steroids. Lots of them. Ever see Nolan’s Batman films? Those are great! He’s doing the Bane regiment. I mean he already talks a little funny so he’s halfway there.

There’s a couple there! Get them!

Billy sees a straight couple walking down the street with their baby and throws a blu-ray screener of Bros right into the stroller!

“Here, watch real art.” Billy says as he rides away on the motorbike he was just bench pressing.

He’s just tossing them out wherever he can.

A blonde catches the blu-ray in her hands. She watches it at home.

“This has never happened before! Look at what he’s done!” she screams.

Billy finds out and puts her through a plate glass window by throwing her by her stupid female legs. God Billy hates women with their woman parts. Straight people anger him like nothing else on this planet. He even calls them females to neg them and make them seem like a science experiment.

What makes Billy ticked off?

He seems pretty mad to me, let’s figure this one out.

Top things that make Billy Angry:

  1. Straight People
  2. Straight People Not Seeing His Movie
  3. His movie flopping worse than his pool boy in Cabo.
  4. Straight People Pointing Out His Movie Flopped.
  5. Hate-filled Vaginas Dripping With Homophobia and Infants

Is this cancel culture?

Billy is here. He’s just flipped my car and he’s stomping it into a small cube.

“Is this life now? This is a perfect new normal. Let’s continue being us! Let’s be miserable together!” Billy shouts over the crunching metal.

I try to watch my television programs like I do at 4 PM but I can’t. He keeps shouting at me. He must have found out I’m straight.

“Let’s just flop our movies together, it’s not gay!” he shouts.

When I shut off the lights and pretend I’m not home, a blu-ray screener of Bros slides in through the mail slot. For a while I hope that’s all that slides in the mail slot because I have my gun drawn and aimed at the door.

Finally morning comes and Billy is back in LA doing more movies he can blame the audience for his lack of tangible talent.

He vows to tweet a lot to get back at straight people, but jokes on him. All straight people are thinking too much about vaginas to care. Even the women, because they have them.

Hoes before Bros, sorry bro. [Hoes in this case being my EXWIFE! ENJOY THE ALIMONY BITCH!]

Real talk from a faceless writer

Universal bet on this cheap movie and they might break even.

For comedy fans it’s a huge loss. It could be funny if only it weren’t some chit in the cultural identity war that makes everyone roll their eyes.

The same culture war that makes everyone with a brain think Hollywood is so full of shit they’ll never produce anything worthwhile again.

But sure, it’s homophobia Billy. Take the Bill Maher blame-the-audience-and-get-out-of-jail-free card.

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Writer/Contributor. Feminist. Hates Working Here.