Did We Really Need A Barbie Movie?

Barbie is here, yay! A plastic bimbo with a bunch of dumb accessories, KIND OF LIKE MY EX-WIFE. What does Barbie as a movie really say to people?

Like the first thing that comes to mind:

  1. You are more likely to end up with Ken if you go out with a Barbie. He’s gay AF, and a eunuch too!
  2. After years of conning girls into wasting their lives, they decide to make them waste more time watching a movie about a plastic doll who’s special ability is the fact that she has cars and houses.
  3. Hollywood is so out of ideas they have to make movies about dolls and board games. The things we used to play with to emulate movies.
  4. One big theme in this movie (and every movie) is being able to follow your dreams. This is ironic because no one cares if anyone ever is happy.
  5. Like most media aimed at kids, it fails to teach any lessons or life skills but rather reinforces stereotypes. What message do girls learn from the new Barbie movie? Be a dumb Bimbo, marry a Himbo, and be a role model.
  6. Needed a GI Joe crossover. A blood war where Ken is drafted and dies realizing he loves Barbie more than ever is exactly the light hearted summer movie we needed.
  7. No real representation of real women. We need a Barbie who has let go of herself, she’s overweight, uses cocaine, smokes cigs, parties hard on the weekends, works two jobs, is constantly on her phone…oh wait…that was my ex-wife…
  8. Barbie for girls. Well she is highly sexualized wearing skimpy clothing. We’re no prudes but if you want to sell things to kids that’s sexy then you’re a Hollywood creepo and we’re not going to look at the puppy in the back of your ice cream truck, OK!?
  9. Another movie taking something old and trying to make it seem fresh again by marketing to a different audience with tons of CGI and throwaway jokes that will fade after a few days and be forgotten. I don’t even remember what happened in Toy Story 3 and I won’t remember what happened in Barbie. All that matters is stocks go up. Yes stocks. Little slips of gambling papers businesses use to swindle us into “retirement” while gambling with it themselves.
  10. Did the world really need a Barbie movie? Did you? Seriously did you need a Barbie movie? If you did then maybe the economy is in worse shape than I thought. Now get off my lawn!
  11. How many people really like Barbie anymore? Is stupid still cool? Is rich and vain still an attribute we want girls to aspire for? The kids just want toys and video games, we adults had our chance. Leave them alone to enjoy their childhood like we did before Hollywood decided all these stupid stories about spoiled and rich white kids were fun.
  12. All we really want is better movies and these money slingers in Hollywood won’t do it unless it’s some vapid bullshit. Vapid bullshit is one thing but a movie about a girls doll is ridiculous.
  13. Ken being a cuck isn’t new, he is Californian after all. And we all know what they do in California and it’s not exactly Christian but what do you expect from a dickless piece of plastic.
  14. The media today is garbage and has lost its way. Just because of that you don’t get to cry about woke people anymore. We’re all tired of the woke/antiwoke bullshit. We don’t have any money left for your Patreons, we’re trying to afford saltine crackers and ammunition. So keep the bitching to yourself antiwokes and to you wokes try being creative and actually trying to make something that people want. In other words, stop complaining and start making actual content instead of shitting on shit because you think it’s art. That’s not what art is. Art is a trucker going to Chinatown and having an adventure because an evil ancient sorcerer is a kidnapper. NOW THAT IS A FUCKING MOVIE!
  15. Barbie can burn in a grill, Black Hole Sun music video style, the plastic melting away into the darkness like the worst acid trip ever and leaving nothing but blackness. You have taken the innocence away from children. It’s their toys and you should give them whatever toy they want to play with. They want barbies, you give barbies but what you don’t do is make shitty movies based on toys. Did you learn nothing from Battleship?

So as you can see there is no reason to see this movie or any movie at any time ever. Thank you. Have a nice day.

Go fuck yourself if you liked this movie and go jump off a tall building if you didn’t like it while you watch those people fucking themselves.

Good night, and good luck America. You fucking need it.

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Greg Nepostein

Op-ed Writer. My father got me this job and if you don't like it you're incompetent!