We Found Scripts Nicholas Cage Turned Down!

Nick Cage is back on top baby! He’s got a new car, a brand new bottle of liquor and he’s gonna hit the road to celebrate!

We love Nicholas Cage , we think he’s funny, not just because he can kill people with his bare hands, but because he’ll always be that guy who’ll go out into a field and fight off a flock of mutant ducks or wrestle with giant bugs.

This is in the movies of course, no one really thinks he’s doing all of these awesome things.

Here is a list of movies Nicky boy rejected:

  • Saving Private Bryan – A retail drama about a shift manager named Bryan who has to deal with a mutiny. Long time cashier helps him out of it only to get bombarded by Nazi airplanes.
  • Shoot The Moon – Rancher and roughneck go after moonshine and have lots of gunplay and bad dialogue. You don’t want to watch this type of movie if you like non-violent family films or Asian cinema. If you need some mental stimulation this isn’t the sort of film for you. Good god, it would have been bad.
  • The Legend of John Fucking Wayne Part 1 – This one was about John Wayne but in biopic form. He was going to be a 50 foot tall cowboy who hated jews, blacks, and others. Nicholas Cage had the foresight to avoid this movie and it lost its funding. Everyone cheered and ran into the streets dancing.
  • The Cradle Will Fall – Original title: From the cradle to terrorism! A classic conspiracy thriller about how terrorists are hatched and sold into families like farm animals. The mother plays around with religion so she ends up as an atheist Muslim in the end. Nice touch. Cage didn’t even consider it.
  • Man I Love A Dead Guy Part 3 -A spoof action flick starring the most unlikely leading man of them all, Brad Pitt. If Brad hadn’t already turned down Scent of Fear 3, that alone would have guaranteed its rejection. But hey, the right person at the right place at the right time saved the day. All is well.
  • Pink Panther – Nicholas Cage didn’t even read the script before saying no. He hated how the original movie wasn’t even a cartoon, and he refuses to read anything pink or panther themed. Some say he once killed a puma just to get revenge.
  • Face / On – A psychopath steals faces and gives them to the poor. He runs from cop chasing down stolen faces. Then the next night a news anchor will turn up dead. Things are crazy when you’re trying to stop a serial killer with terrible handwriting and wild hair and massive teeth. This is where I disagree with him turning this script down because he would have made it fabulous.
  • Vampire Circus Maximus – Seriously Nicolas? How could you possibly have said no to this one? The visual effects were state of the art. It would have been the kind of movie you’d want to bring your little brother too. You just had to accept it.
  • The Boy Who Cried Wolf– A zombie horror picture where a nine year old boy lies about wolves being after him. And if anyone falls for it, they’re immediately devoured by zombies. His imagination knows no bounds. Sure enough, everyone in Hollywood bailed on this cinematic masterpiece.
  • Driving Miss Crazy – In which Nicolas Cage turns the tables on other male stars in his career. No longer a victim of some woman, he finally gets his chance to screw over some sexy female star. This would’ve been so hot to see! Alas, Nicole Kidman and Cameron Diaz both refused the offer. They wanted nothing to do with him. Shame.

As you can see this is a mixed bag of movies that’d float between a 3.7 and 5.2 on IMDB, which means for Nicholas Cage fans, that’s a solid 10 gleaming stars. Stars so bright they drown out the silver screen with their splendor, just like Nicholas Cage.

Can you believe that now he gets to shine as bright as ever?

I’m happy for him. Poor guy was only born related to a famous film director and had to claw his way to the top not once but twice.

I bet you didn’t even get born to anyone famous, loser.

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Greg Nepostein

Op-ed Writer. My father got me this job and if you don't like it you're incompetent!