John Mulaney snuck into our homes with his Eddie Haskell charms, put on his comedy special, flirted with our mom and stole her pills! Figuratively of course. The only person with a low net worth he’ll speak to is his dog walker! HIYOOO
Mulaney has been in and out of rehab, he cheated on his wife however if you watch his comedy he sells himself as a different type of person. He’s made his stage persona some suit wearing clean cut trustworthy guy. Unfortunately he’s as Hollywood as the rest of them. What did you do for that Emmy sir? Was Epstein involved? Some sort of human sacrifice?!
Eddie, I mean John was shocked at the vicious backlash towards him when he was caught punching a puppy right in the gut! Figuratively of course. Not trying to lie to you but you have to wonder if this is what he’s caught doing, what is he not being caught doing?
At what point are you snorting a line of cocaine and then going on stage and doing jokes about opening the mail or whatever mundane task he could Keyser Söze before jumping on stage in a coked out frenzy? Was it the newest special or the one before that?
I can’t trust you anymore Mr. Mulaney! Trustworthy people don’t have cocaine dealers!
What crimes will John Mulaney commit in the future?
We made a list of fictional hypothetical crimes:
1. Throwing his sippy cup at the TV! You little shit, that cost money. Real money, not that rainbow colored play money you snort coke with!
2. Fighting an opponent while under the influence of medication… Oh wait. Does this make you bad brotha’?
3. Defecating on someone’s prized American flag! Yeahhh!! Dude never supported those troops, did he?
4. Adultery! AGAIN!
5. Murder! He will dress up like Scorpion from Mortal Kombat shouting FATALITY at people as he throws a grappling hook at them. He is doing it to make them laugh but they laugh so hard they fall off an overpass and into oncoming traffic.
6. Small Scale Banditry. He’ll be robbing the poor and giving it to the rich. Thanks for the Amazon gift card granny! He shouts as he jumps on his Vespa to escape.
7. Hoarding drugs! Don’t Bogart the fun times bruh.
8. Caught doing an interview in a Brooklyn Burger King with no pants on screaming after getting kicked out! Figure it out! FOLLOW THE MONEY!
9. Driving at 70mph with two boxes on top of his head and twenty kids yelling HELP ME! Why did you steal that school bus?
10. Peeing on your childrens’ faces and saying “Mulaney Knows Best” while humming the Cosby Show theme.
11. Voting 3rd party! YOU SON OF A BITCH WHAT DO YOU THINK THIS IS A DEMOCRACY?! FUCKING SON OF A BITCH!
12. Riding a unicycle with bullet wounds. It’s against the law in New York City, sorry clowns who do drive-bys you’ll have to go to Chicago to do that!