Stop All That Hacking

Hey you! Yeah you, from that shithole country that keeps trying to hack our wonderful website, stop it!

Sorry! Wait, no I’m not!

Sorry, that was a little insensitive considering your shitty country of origin. Forgive me for referring to your current location as a “shithole” but let us all agree that things there are not all good? I mean there’s obviously a reason you’re trying to hack this server instead of getting laid or something a lot more fun.

I won’t let you developing world lunatics destroy generations of hard work! We built this company, and we don’t want to share it with low-life animals like yourself. I mean the hackers, not everyone from your crappy country. It’s not our fault the sewer line goes directly to your tap water so leave us alone!

While you might think you’re the coolest guy in The Philippines because you can try and use script exploits, understand that we know the truth! Our web security is unbeatable! Our data servers are guarded by robot centurions and the AI praetorian. Just don’t ask them about the bath houses ok?

Electrical menace

Hackers are constantly bombarding our site from places no one thought had electricity. State sponsored attacks against little ol’ Mutant Bunker? Say it ain’t so!

So take a look around your crappy country, is it really worth the hack? I can afford a plane ticket and the cost of your sister, so watch out!

The computers here use Linux which is Latin for “unhackable computing machine, stab a pleb”. Don’t try this at home! Our password is the entire roster of the 1989 Chicago Cubs, just try and guess where we stuck the emoji! SECURED!

Leave us alone please! Stop wasting valuable time by using your insecurities to probe our server. I mean really? Probing in 2022? What is this Hollywood? No we don’t allow probes here, ET so get back to doing something productive with your time. Why don’t you start your own blog, and hack that then you can be king of the landfill or wherever you live.

Can we get more censorship please?!

It is unfortunate that computer systems allow these enemies of ours, lets call them imposters to scan the ports of our sacred http server. We vote that all computer actions be run through our content council to make sure there’s not any misinformation. Don’t worry, I already made up the rules for your posts. You’re simply not allowed to post. You cannot be trusted with opinions which are now deemed acts of terrorism by the new state we’re creating. Ain’t technocratic fascism great?

Seriously though, stop all the hacking. It’s so 1990s to want to be a hacker. The real power comes from being a Reddit moderator! Just stick to managing those comment sections, its the American way! Your life doesn’t need to be ruined by technology overuse. Relax, just put the hacking behind you and donate all of your crypto to Mutant Bunker. Forget NFTs, forget DeFi, giving us all your cash is the future of currency!

My ports are closed

Oh you tried to install ransomware? Did it ever occur to you that we don’t care about our measly files on a public server and we’ll just rotate it to a mirror? I guess they don’t teach common sense at the hacker school where you flunked out of for being too much of a piece of shit.

Maybe you got our email? The one where I said I was crying and if you don’t stop trying to hack me, I was going to cry more! Yeah, don’t pretend you don’t know! You’re so mean, big hacker meanie.

I’m telling on you! I have your ISP and the abuse email address and a team of 50 rabid lawyers all snarling on their chain. I promissory estoppel-ed them the fact they get to personally kick your ass so watch out when they’re tearing you apart by the jugular, I haven’t fed them in a while. A lawyer’s got to eat!

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Writer/Contributor. Likes working out, drinking slime, and hassling nerds.