I’m winning the argument and no, all those likes aren’t my alt accounts. Why am I holding two smart devices? MULTITASKING!
Very Important Tweeter
I am very busy, doing very important things that you just wouldn’t understand. Your brain is far too feeble to go toe-to-toe with me on Twitter!
Look at all of those likes, you’re clearly losing the argument.
High class, well basically a demigod
Those likes mean nothing to me but they mean everything to plebeian Twitter. I have like 40,000 followers, and all of my engagements type exactly like me but it’s not proof I buy followers nor does it mean all of the alts are me even though I quit typing when they respond.
I can ratio the pope because I have about 400,000 Twitter accounts. I mean, I am influential! My followers love my content.
My reputation precedes me
If they don’t know who I am, it doesn’t matter to me because I have my own army. My phone army, hehehehe. You can tell I’m a nice guy once you get to know me because I say hehehehe. Everyone online thinks I’m the coolest and I’m super popular on Discord.
People seem to resonate with my snarky replies, it doesn’t matter if you don’t like them. You are but furniture to me as I please my loving audience.
No one gives a shit what you do, they’re too busy loving me!
I need love, my parents don’t love me, my girlfriend left me, and my dog turned out to be the neighbor guy who was hungry for table scraps.
Times really are tough.
Lonely loner on a lonely road, alone
All of my real friends live out of town, it’s more convenient for me that way. I am totally unlikable and that’s why my online likes mean nothing. Nothing at all.
I spend every waking hour of my life curating and cultivating them, but honestly I could quit tomorrow. If only my legions of adoring fans would let me!
It would make all of this so much easier…
Thine crown weighs heavy, sire
It’s not easy being the most popular man on social media but I’ll try to break it down for you, and speak slowly so even you can understand the magnitude of my genius!
Some of these might sound a bit cryptic or hard to grasp, I should pause before and explain myself: I BUY EVERYTHING. Followers, likes, you name it.
The algorithm hates you unless you’re Oprah or someone funny like that little guy from that one show. I’m neither of those things so I have to prove to the world that I am likeable.
Eventually the algorithm likes you and plays nerf football with you out in the yard shortly before he goes back to staring off at the road out of town muttering “damn kids won’t move out”. Never understood what he meant by that honestly.
Everyone is entitled to their opinion, but mine is most tolerant
WHAT DID YOU SAY ABOUT THE NEW GAME OF THRONES?! YOU LITTLE BITCH!!!
PREPARE FOR A 12 HOUR BARRAGE OF PERSONAL INSULTS FOR NOT LIKING THAT HIGHLY DIVERSE SPINOFF THAT IS MADE OF GOLD!
Tolerance paradox, totally not a social media diva
I block anyone who wears an ugly shirt, and I block anyone who dares try to be funnier than me in my joke tweets. Get your own account moron!
I almost always screenshot conversations with these users and share them with other users on Reddit because it makes me look “controversial” and funnier than any user I’m replying to, and you know, black is white and up is down, and it’s a bizarro world where I am funny, and I have pecs so strong they can melt butter and cut glass.
How to influence people and fake having friends
Here’s a tip, if a joke goes wrong just scream as loudly as you can: I WAS GASLIGHTING YOU FOR MY YOUTUBE CHANNEL!