Hi it’s me Jay Leno, I’m sure you might have heard but I had a little accident with a fire. I know you might be homeless, but don’t worry about me. I still got millions of dollars, and millions of nice cars. Yeah a steam car caught me on fire. I told it, you can’t fire me, I’m Jay Leno. Right Conan? Right?!
Jay is Ok!
America might be in decline but at least I’m still raking in the dough with my cool podcast. At least I’m doing better than Monica Lewinsky. Say is Kevin Eubanks still alive? I need him to punctuate these non-jokes with a slick guitar riff.
Anybody hear about this Fortnite thing all the kids are into? Ex-president Clinton heard about it and said “fortnight? just like the games me and the interns played in the oval office?”
Where the hell is Kevin? I need my guitar riff! Do you know who I am? I am Jay Leno. I shook Johnny Carson’s hand and took his show from David Letterman! GIVE ME RESPECT GODDAMNIT
Comedians hoarding cars getting burnt
The numbers don’t lie because my bank account is full of them. Yes while children starve mere miles away from me I am polishing a fire engine from 1890. It’s a real beaut.
You probably drive a Honda so you wouldn’t know about quality craftsmanship. This requires fuel with an octane grade the EPA made illegal in the 1970s but ol’ Jay Leno knows a guy, wink wink.
Let me back in to the tonight show, TODAY!
Yeah my face might be a little melted but I’m ready to host The Tonight Show, maybe help with the bad ratings from that Conan Fallon guy. But first, we’ve got a whole bunch of Top 10 jokes that are written by myself and not a staff of desperate and hungry writers in LA.
Sweet crackling siren of flame
So enjoy those flames I just lit up for ya. I’m toying with the idea of being an arsonist now. The embers are a cruel seductress once she’s kissed and licked your face. Don’t get too close or her love will burn you.
Excuse me while I stare into this zippo longingly for the touch of another human being. Alright back to my millions of cars.
By the way I’m happily married and totally not gay. Yeah I’ve been married a long time, been wealthy all my life, but my wife and I just thought more money than the King of France wouldn’t be enough to raise a kid.
40 years of marriage later and I’m stuck with cars, oh well, I guess I’ll just have to keep being a creepy weirdo and earning America’s respect and lots of money.
