Kevin O’Leary’s Lemonade Stand Fails!

Kevin O’Leary is in hot water over his lemonade stand investment. Even though he had such high hopes for it, but alas, Kevin’s lemonade stand has gone bankrupt and now the entire nation is laughing at him like they should be.

Settle down everybody! It looks as if this sour note Kevin is tasting isn’t just the delicious summer time beverage.

So what went wrong?

A conman of a shark named Sally (age 9) came to Shark Tank and pitched to the team of ravenous investors. Mark Cuban was out right away, but Kevin O’Leary had his heart set on equity.

“Because I like your pigtails, I’ll give you $299 million dollars for 25% equity.” Kevin said.

“You got a deal mister.” Sally said.

The business wasn’t everything it seemed on paper

Months later, we run into Kevin O’Leary running the lemonade stand himself. He’s trying to make it work but just can’t figure out the lemon juicer. He sits the machine out front while telling us all, “If only my Daddy could see me now!”

We sat there dumbfounded and watching Kevin spills sugar all over himself and screams “GOD DAMNIT” loud enough the birds fly away. In fact, Kevin’s neighbors jumped off their tricycle because they thought he was Satan. It turns out he really was but they had no way of knowing that.

Kevin sat there pouting about the lemonade business. The lemonade stand wanted 25 bucks a cup, when asked if it was too much Kevin looked offended.

“The cost is cheaper than getting your whole family into that minivan and burning up a bunch of gas for inferior lemonade!” Kevin defended his business.

We looked over his shoulder and lemons were everywhere, sugar was all over the ground and table, and the pitcher was bone dry. He had drank all the water and there wasn’t a single customer the entire time we were making fun of him.

As the sun set we went home. Our parents won’t let us stay out after dark, they don’t want their 43 year old boy getting in trouble.

Tonight on Shark Tank

This weekend viewers of ABC saw Kevin making deals from his new hobo bindle. A single lemon rolls out and everyone takes notice. Kevin scrambles to put it back into the handkerchiefs that comprise his bindle. But the lemon did it come the bindle or did it come from God?

Kevin suddenly realizes he’s still rich and sues the little girl for fraud. Sally is going to maximum security prison. Then once she’s put in solitary Kevin visits her while eating a turkey leg, he revealed to her his plans to block the sun once and for all.

The little girl said “Like Mr. Burns from The Simpsons? Don’t you think you’ve borrowed enough from him throughout the years?”

Kevin tented his fingers and said “Excellent.”

Sally could never find investors in her next venture. When Mark Cuban saw how much attention she was getting for free, and with very little effort on her part, it gave him an idea. He made her work in his basketball stadium picking up empty beer cups and discarded soft pretzels.

All the sharks were suddenly teary eyed, they looked to Sally and smiled. They were getting work for free and skirting child labor laws while the ABC audiences ate it up like saccharin candy for their swollen peasant brains.

Now that’s good alternate reality TV!

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Writer/Contributor. Likes working out, drinking slime, and hassling nerds.