Jordan Peterson’s Pills Have Kicked In!


Jordan Peterson wants you to clean your room. His pills just kicked in and the Feng Shui is all wrong!

Very stable, very smart, listen to this thought leader

Tears are streaming down his face as he laughs manically as he takes a bite out of a steak that’s barely cooked. He wants the world to know he’s a carnivore so the blood is dripping down the sides of his mouth.

What a nasty scene, what a nasty sight, if you could only see it!

Rehab, reload, redose

Is he a benzo addict? “Not anymore!” he shouts as he puts something into his mouth.

He assures me it was an M&M he keeps in his jacket pocket for when he needs a little sugar boost. The M&M clicks against his teeth as he savors the flavor.

His eyes roll back in his head and he starts telling me to “forgive the person you were yesterday and embrace your grandma’s merkin” as he lies on the floor naked.

I grab my keys and rush to leave but by then he’s lost the ability to speak coherently and his daughter is asking his followers to donate to his Patreon. What a thought leader I think in the back of my mind. I am enamored with this truth teller whose drug addled mind sees through time and space to bring disenfranchised young men like me valid information.

Information we can use to one day grow up to be a self help guru with a benzodiazepine affliction. Yeah my life would be a lot better if the world was looking at me, judging me, and trying to take away my big bottle of sweet benzos.

Do you believe in magic?

He starts loading a magnum revolver talking about how “being harmless doesn’t make you good. loading up this gun and not blowing your god damn brains out makes you good.”

That last part made him giggle in his delirium until he started to fall asleep at the dinner table. When I nudged him he put the gun in my face and started screaming about how my “life has no meaning” and I hear the revolver hammer cocked back.

Then he starts laughing and crying at the same time again, and turns to reruns of his favorite show: History Channel’s American Pickers.

White smivaledge!

He goes on about how white privilege ‘doesn’t exist’ as he walks around popping pills making lots of money. But hey don’t feel bad, just clean your room so Jordan doesn’t have to do it.

In fact it’s my goal to pretend to not know how to clean my room so he just does it and I can get back to listening to other kick ass podcasters who are my positive male role model figure that my mom says I need in my life.

One week later, I’m on benzos, trying to clean my room and it hits me, I should develop a weird accent and call myself a Canadian too! It’ll hide my newfound drug addiction and I can pay for it by telling smelly people to take a shower. Win-win.

You would too if it happened to you

All I want to do now is cry because everyone seems to have it easier than I do. Crying is what Jordan would do, so I’m gonna do it!

See this tear, that was from not cleaning my room and not believing in myself.

And this tear was from not giving enough money to Jordan Peterson’s Patreon account. I wanted to be in their super cool club but I guess I’ll just have to languish in mediocrity unlike Jordan who is the greatest philosopher to verbally regurgitate smarter philosophers’ words!

Forgive the man, embrace the ideas

Another maniacal cackle and Jordan is raiding my fridge, and spraying my aerosol cheese all over the kitchen and stuffing it into his mouth without washing it off after.

He makes me stand outside while he burns off a candle in my fireplace; just lighting random objects on fire for fun.

I’m starting to question these life decisions I’ve made but Joe Rogan says you gotta turn off your inner bitch to give your inner monkey a raging hard-on. I would die for Joe Rogan and Jordan Peterson and that’s why I take all of their supplements to get me closer to my podcast dads that I call pod-dads.

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Writer/Editor. Drinker of Soy. Eater of Soy. Lover of Soy. Don't judge.