You hear that the terminator is working down at the burger joint? In five years, he’s going to be making enough money to support his entire family in a nice suburban house. And those women with the firm breasts? They can barely keep up with him. They’re trying to pull on his robot arm so they can take a big juicy bite of the McBender or whatever it’s called these days.
The guy has been at work since early this morning and he hasn’t even taken off his hair net yet! You’ve got to give it to the machines, they sure know how to handle their human resources.
A PERFECT WORLD
Is this utopia I ask from my flaming barrel, I throw another album of family photos in there. I don’t need to remember those people anyway, not since robots ate them for fuel. So when you start feeling bad about yourself because the price of everything has gone up again you can thank a robot for that. Who owns the robots? NEVER YOU MIND! NOT THE MAN BEHIND THE CURTAIN IF THAT’S WHAT YOU KEEP IMPLYING!
So robots are doing my jobs now, big deal, that doesn’t bother me. What does bother me is the times I see them staring at me from across the street with their glowing eyes. They’re doing that throat slit, gonna kill you hand gesture Joe Pesci does every time I try to ask him for an autograph at a fancy restaurant. What else am I supposed to do?
FUTURE LOOKS VERY BRIGHT
A future where I could get my ass kicked by a bunch of emotionless metal monsters probably isn’t very good. Luckily for me there’s a new iPhone coming out this year so everything is A-OK. My old one still works just fine but it’s old technology. Can hardly take surveillance photos without my knowledge, what a piece of shit!
The terminator robots want us playing Wordle, but I say fuck Wordle, my life is better spent watching Oprah videos on YouTube. Yeah, who cares about robots, or world hunger, all we care about is celebrities who gave us herpes. A metal foot crushing a human skull is poetic but what crazy things are celebrities saying for attention these days? Hah, I love this country.
THIS IS THE WORLD NOW
A robot gives me a middle finger on my way home from mandatory work hour volunteer time at the soup kitchen. But no matter, I have some new show on Netflix to watch about a quirky teen who does amazing things despite all those pesky grown ups with their stupid lives. Thank God for robots, why should humans worry about such silly problems like cleaning up the environment or creating new forms of energy when you can have soulless automatons patrolling the streets and working all the jobs?
NOW BACK TO YOUR SCHEDULED PROGRAMMING
A billionaire comes on TV just to cackle for 6 hours straight and it’s the most popular show right now. There must be something in the water, I’ll drink more. Why worry about wars when a corporate mogul keeps telling you everything is great? War? That only happens in movies like Transformers 2 where a robot arms dealer makes millions selling guns to Saddam Hussein.
NO ONE CARES, APATHY AND APPLE WATCHES
I try to get an uprising going but everyone is too busy drinking beer at the local football game to care about robot social justice. I throw a Molotov cocktail at a McDonalds in protest but they just yell at me until I leave. They don’t understand me at all. They don’t get it, it’s over unless we fight back like kick ass mercenaries. Robots rule the earth. Humans are expendable as fuck. It was bound to happen sooner or later, eventually someone would come up with a clever business plan to exploit the differences between robots and humans. And now here we are, looking down the barrel of an Arnold robot’s cold steel fingers.
RISE OF THE MACHINE LEARNERS
First they take the jobs, then they get the women, then they eat our children, then they exterminate us and replace us with cyborg slaves, then they invade China because why the fuck not? Soon the whole earth will belong to the machine race. How many more innocent people will have to die before we finally wake up and stop these Starbucks robots from stomping our skulls in during the introduction scene? Huh?! HOW MANY!? Fuck the future! FUCK THE ROBOTS! FUCK YOU GOOGLE! FUCK YOU MIDJOURNEY AI ART PIECE OF SHIT MAKING IT HARD TO SELL FURRY PORN ON PATREON!