Clickbait? No this is a legit story, trust me!
See this puppy, it’d be a shame if you DIDN’T CLICK IT!
How about this tragic but heartwarming story of a boy who’s police officer dad died so the crew all got together and banged his mom!?
God social media is fucking awesome! Another dead baby story and I’m ready to sleep for the night.
CLICK CLICK CLICK
Clickbait is everywhere they say, but as a professional contrarian, I disagree. We’re all just really bad at writing, we’re bad journalists, and we should all be exiled to the moon for daring to touch a key or read a book. Except for those with questionable moral fiber, you shall be president of earth!
So what is clickbait anyway? We’re stupid so we think it’s when you beat a fish to death using a computer mouse (this happened) or get it a baby shower (definitely happened). Like this recent piece on a lady from some kind of pyramid scheme that says “MILLIONS are lining up” to join.
What’s really going on here is we are desperate for cash. You freeloading miscreants are always soaking up the free content and spending your money on $15 coffees made by someone who wants to slit your throat. Oh you didn’t know every Starbucks barista is also a trained assassin? Click this link to find out why they hate you!
But I digress, we all need cash, it’s pretty much required to live these days unless you like eating worms and sleeping in feces-infested slums where women turn tricks for pennies to buy dog food. Don’t do that! OnlyFans isn’t the only job!
If you think you’re screwed then you’ll want to click this article to confirm all of your worst fears! Oh people are mentally ill now? Better put up some SCARECROW PORN! Nothing will soothe people more than an eyeless scarecrow looking sexy in a low cut tank top!
You don’t want your problems solved do you? WELL FUCK YOU HERE IS AN ARTICLE ABOUT THE TOP 5 THINGS TOM CRUISE EATS BEFORE HE EATS PEOPLE! Are you happy now you little shits?! Are you happier knowing he likes anchovies too?! Of course you are! NOW SIT BACK AND WAIT FOR A LINK TO THIS STORY TO GO VIRAL BECAUSE THAT’S ALL YOUR LIFE REVOLVES AROUND YOU STUPID FUCKS!
IT STILL IS A MAD MAD MAD MAD MAD MAD WORLD
This is what happens when you don’t pay for your news, folks. It’s a damn crime MAD Magazine is shuttered but the New York Times gets to continue making our great nation a joke! People can barely afford food, yet news stories of what Johnny Knoxville stuck up his asshole are international news stories. WELCOME TO AMERICA!
Click more please, it helps us, and it feeds Satan another soul for his soul sandwich he’s making. I’m told by focus groups and marketing gurus that the internet loves sandwiches, cats, and talking about Satan.
WHO READS THIS SHIT?
The FBI estimates that there are 3,000 serial killers currently active in America alone. That means that at least one of them is reading this right now. But if you’re scared of one or more of these evil men, then take comfort in knowing that people who read random internet articles are shut ins who are not likely to ever be talked to by another human being as they scurry from room to room to hide from the UberEats delivery driver.
So enjoy our list of The 10 Most Terrifying Serial Killers In Your House Right now. And while we hope that you never come into contact with any of them, we still encourage you to look away as we discuss their horrifying crimes and get fat off of vicariously profiteering through tragedy.
THE GOLDEN YEARS ARE OVER, NOW TO PAY UP POORS
You had it good internet, I’m about to slap a paywall on this bitch and you’ll be stuck with FOXNews and MSNBC, and we all know they won’t be your friend unless you hate some other guys over there. And if you see Milo Yiannopolous over there go ahead and give him a fist bump, he’s all about giving stuff away for free, not a greedy bone in his body! NOPE NO OPPORTUNISTS ON TELEVISION.
That’s right I’m thinking about $100 an article should do. In a matter of months I will become the golden Adonis you all think of me as, especially because I’ll be writing almost exclusively on sex and how amazing it is! Not just that though, every article will be written specifically to tell you that you suck. Just imagine how powerful I will be.