The world is ending! Got your popcorn? We do and this is the best fall blockbuster a person could ask for! Not only will it be awesome to watch, but I bet that there are plenty of guns involved.
WHEN DID IT START?
One can never really tell when World War III starts.
The Middle East has been going on for centuries with most people living through generations of wars before so where is the starting point?
One thing is for sure though, like all MSNBC watchers we know our 401K that is heavily invested in Lockheed Martin will pay for a lot of our antiwar bumper stickers. Who says socialism doesn’t work?
PRESIDENTIAL SEAL OF APPROVAL
President Biden says “Pudding, pills, sex toys…nothing works.”
How presidential! Though many people think that ‘pudding’ is code for something like blood thinners, but we know that he means it.
WE TRIED TO STOP IT, DON’T BLAME U.S.
There have already been several failed efforts to prevent WWIII from happening stopping Iran from going nuclear, farting on Vladimir Putin’s army helmet, using Nancy Pelosi’s fake hair as body armor, John Kerry pissing on the UN Security Council, and slam poetry.
Even though there’s a genocide going on we’re going to stay optimistic that Starbucks doesn’t raise their prices or any other real issues. Don’t even talk to me if I haven’t had my morning cup of pure energy, a xanax, a boner pill, and 6 Redbulls to ward off the Ambien I took before I started my commute.
I am Superman now. I’m like THE Red Bull! When was the last time you saw a naked Red Bull kill someone with a staple gun?. It just keeps you alive, it keeps you interesting, CHECK OUT THIS BASS GUITAR SOLO! AHHHHHHH!!
TRUST THE SCIENCE, BRUH
We’ve already made the mistake of betting against World War III about twenty years ago but it’s really happening this time.
Everyone in power is around 102 years old and they’d rather us fight over the surviving cans of radioactive beans than die not seeing a beautiful nuclear explosion every single day for the rest of eternity. They’re all part of a non-profit called Explosions For Jesus. It really is a wonderful program.
END OF DAYS OR THE START OF A NEW HOBBY?
So even though it’s the end of days, it’s the beginning of a new tomorrow! Dance like no one is watching because we’re all about to be skeletons.
Skeletons who are smiling for the rest of our boney skeleton lives! So smile baby…don’t give up, we’re living in an atomic wasteland!
ZOMBIES, CANNIBALS, MUTANTS, AND THE MUPPET WHO PLAYED ANIMAL
Got a good zombie survival story to share? You’ll probably need it to make the cannibals hunting you laugh so that you can escape temporarily before the mutants find you. Just remember what happened to Will Smith and Jada Pinkett (both zombies now).
Every day is Halloween around here, and our biggest competition isn’t zombies, it’s werewolves and the deadly combination of sunlight and steroids! Wooooo!! Woo!! Woo!! Woo! World War III.
It’s the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine. Shit, I got to end this article, I just crashed my Kia into a tree because I was laughing so hard at my own jokes due to the ambien I took. So much smoke, must sleep now. Sleep forever. Tell George Lucas that I never liked Baby Yoda. Fucking Jar Jar Binks is going to strangle the life out of me, or maybe I’m seeing things from the fumes.
Israel, Gaza, Iran, Russia, China, who cares! I want to watch the reboot of Frasier and have Rachel Maddow tell me that the world is OK as long as we drop a bomb or two on people who look different than us. Thankfully I am a tolerant person.