Fool Proof Ways To End Gun Violence

Shootings happen more now than ever. People have less money now, could that be a problem? The news says no, and we must shoot our way out of every situation to feed Quetzalcoatl’s unquenchable thirst for blood.

We here at Mutant Bunker are sort of a think tank. We get tanked and we think, and that is as good as any big time think tank.

Pretty funny stuff huh? We thought for a long while about that one but decided in our lab coats it was good enough to print on the web or the ‘net as we hip folk call it.

We’re better than your average think tank because for one we have a regularly updated site that is funny, and increases muscle mass to make our readers buff super soldiers.

How we’d end gun violence:

  1. First bullet stores and gun stores should be in different towns. Each town should have a cryptic clue given by the town’s wizard. If no wizard is appointed the first person to discover dungeons and dragons must decide.
  2. Next, teach people that killing with guns and bullets will only solve one thing: death. Bullets do not grow into community centers, after school programs, and tennis courts for inner city children.
  3. The president goes on the air and stares at the camera and says: “God damnit, I’m disappointed with all the shootings, if I’ve failed you as a president I am truly sorry but you’re all going right to jail.” and then police officers rush into every home in America to arrest everyone. This is the cost of freedom an open air penal colony!
  4. We dismantle the NRA, the PTA, the HOA, the RIAA, the FIFA, and don’t even get me started on the rest of them! If they like guns so much why don’t they MARRY ONE?! Kiss kiss blam blam, oh 9 months later and we’re having baby bullets. WHY IS THIS ONE BLACK?!
  5. We invoke martial law to shoot all gun owners because they’re big meanie stupid heads with their dumb guns anyway! Who needs to shoot people not me!

    Personally I live in a gated community and sleep in a bed surrounded by 150 armed security guards. Yeah they have guns because they’re professionals!

    They’re in my bedroom because it makes me feel safe to have a platoon of highly trained ex-navy seals in rotating between formations. It’s like a white noise machine with all of the mil-spec gear rustling around.
  6. Halloween is changed to Zombie Day where suicidal people annoy gun owners so they feel less violent towards people that don’t want to die. This solves two problems ideally our scientists have concluded. One it solves over population and two it creates jobs for start up morgues.

    We hope some rich VC funded fat cat will disrupt the morgue industry by connecting the coroner’s office directly to DoorDash. Jimmy Johns would serve it and you know it!
  7. We free politicians from prison and give them second terms in return for not riling up a bunch of dumb gun owning maniacs.

    Just a thought. You’re right, keep all politicians locked away where they can’t hurt anybody anymore.
  8. End crime by making it illegal not to smile. A new world order comes when no one can tell what constitutes a sincere smile or a fake one.

    When everybody has to pretend they like each other all the time to get hired in places of power and trust, such as hospitals, social media, high schools, monkey houses, flap jack huts, wing shacks, and pizza bordellos. Smile or DIE!
  9. Slap the shit out of everyone who thinks about violence. I mean it this time mister! No more violence! SLAP SLAP SLAP! Then when these violent people are slapped to a bloody pulp there won’t be any mass shootings because viscera now labeled human jelly can’t shoot anybody you fucking idiot.
  10. Army Recruitment films where an attractive woman in her twenties sits in the driver’s seat of an armored car with a silver automatic pistol aimed through the windshield toward all the young men running around kicking tires on their bicycles outside her apartment complex in Lubbock and it turns out it’s my apartment and she kisses me. BRB CAN’T TYPE ONE HANDED.
  11. We get more people into the ARMY. ARMY is for MANLY MEN who only bang chicks and throw them in the dumpster like a fleshlight! ME KILLY FOR OIL UNCLE SAM! PEW PEW BROWN GUY I AM DOWN A QUART OF OIL! FREEDOM! DIEEEE FOR MY OIL SPOT IN MY DRIVE WAY!!!!
    Written by the Department of Deeznuts

As you can see no solution to gun violence is perfect but we think we’ve come close. I expect to hear a letter from President Joel Bidet any day now saying: thank you for you service and dedication to ushering in a new era of peace and prosperity for America.

Then the letter has a picture of a high five on it and I’ve touched something my hero Jone Biden touched. I then absorb his power and become a political puppet myself. USA USA USA!

Of course this is all a wonderful dream I keep having and it makes me feel more American than a cheeseburger pie.

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Writer/Contributor. Likes working out, drinking slime, and hassling nerds.