How To Have The Perfect Summer

Summer is here before you know it and it’ll be time to break out the sun tan lotion, icy cold lemonade, and a whole bunch of other things that you probably don’t really need but will make your Instagram look fabulous.

So put on that sun hat because we’re going to dive into some summer activities so unbelievably basic, you’ll wonder how people even enjoy life anymore!


  • Go To The Beach – People like the beach. Stepping on glass, getting spat on by homeless people, and having that one fat lady walk up to you asking you where to get drugs.
  • Read A Book In The Park – This activity requires a certain level of literacy and is therefore perfect for making sure you show off your intelligence without actually doing anything meaningful with it.
  • Watch Fireworks On The Fourth Of July – For some people, watching fireworks isn’t enough to keep them entertained. Instead, they opt to light their own firework. This can either result in a thrilling experience or a trip to the ER for serious injury. According to the rest of the internet: serious injury is hilarious!
  • Go To A Summer Music Festival – Even though it’s notorious for being an excuse to pay too much money for overpriced beer while waiting in line behind 10,000 people to use the port-a-potty. You might be able to oggle some topless girl on molly dancing to some generic bullshit made by drug addicts who call themselves musicians. Lots of booze here but it’ll cost you an entire rent payment to get a buzz.
  • Have A BBQ Party – Everyone loves a BBQ except the hosts. It’s always their job to make sure everyone is fed, happy and has plenty to drink. The real joy of hosting a barbecue is when someone leaves your house covered in mustard.
  • Camping Trip – This activity gives you an opportunity to experience the great outdoors in all its buggy, mosquito-infested glory. Sleeping on a hard ground is never fun but it does give you something to brag about for like two weeks after the trip.
  • Roadtrip – If you’re looking to make everyone you care about want to murder you, a road trip is the perfect way to do that. Road trips are all about the journey and not the destination, which means 50 times more car arguments than any other type of trip.


There’s countless more things a person could do in the summer, but lets be honest: we’re not that in depth of people. We like our summers hot, 4th of july’s full of veiled racism, and our falls full of pumpkin spice and judging others on Christmas Day.

It’s not easy living in a brand new house but somehow I dry my tears and get on with my day. The summer air conditioning drowns out the screams in my head.


Remember to take selfies at all times, whether you’re at a music festival or simply taking your morning dump on your neighbor’s lawn. Oops, bad dog. Heh, I don’t have a dog!

Enjoy the summer, try not to burst into flames, die in a war, or get shot by a billionaire riding a machine gun robot dog.

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The Masked Man

You are not to know the man who is masked! Contributor! Writer! In a mask!