We Review The Best Weed Strains

Forget High Times. Everyone who works there hasn’t graduated 7th grade and they believe that they get all of the best stuff. You’ve heard of the Cannabis Cup? Have you never heard of the Mutant Bunker Cup? You’re missing out. The contest came and went, the contestants fiercely battled one joint and bong at a time!

Here’s our favorite strains we tried:

BROKEN TEETH – Indica/Sativa hybrid. This tastes exactly like iron, you can really taste the blood and the teeth.

CLOWN – Sativa. This one makes you want to get into a tiny car and squirt seltzer water at your peers. Slight overtones of barrel.

HOG DICK – Sativa. Medical strain. ‘Nuff said. This tastes like you just got hogged in the mouth. Is that bacon or THC?

GARBLED WIFE – Hybrid. Haze. A beautiful mind comes to harvest this crop. Thanks to Jurassic Park the euphoria is a very unique sensation unlike anything else known on planet Earth.

SATIN BAGGER – Indica. This tastes like drinking Zima on a subway, it’s so sweet and chalky that it almost takes over the earth.

SHITTING CLOUD – Indica. Good for laying on trains and watching Stephen Baldwin. Or throwing up while riding on horses.

ZIGGY BIGOT – Sativa. It seems like this plant was raised by Charlie Brown. The fruit tastes of guilt and shame. Please just move along kid, no harm intended.

FRANNY’S WHORE MOTHERFUCKER – Hybrid. A cross between Shitting Cloud and Pineapple Home Wrecker. I’m guessing Frank Sinatra was somehow involved in its conception.

DAISY BOY – Indica. If Jim Morrison was bitten by a skunk, he probably ate something made from this bud. Maybe pot brownies? BREAK ON THROUGH! FATHER I MUST SPEND YOUR MONEY ON WEED!

MINOTAUR’S GROVE —Sativa. Strong citrus tones that go well with baked beans. Funny thing, minotaurs don’t seem to give a shit if you smoke it. They’ll even partake, putting them up in high places in their grove to watch.

MY GRANDMA AND ME – Indica. Makes you feel like grandma is overfeeding you because of her dementia. Food fight! Who do you think will win, Pringles or SpaghettiOs?

BERTINA’S BONZAI-ORANGE SMOKESHOW –Hybrid. This was described as “Twin Peaks meets Thomas Jefferson in the back of a record store!” Although this isn’t accurate, it is a good smoke that tastes just like oranges and wheat!

BULLETS & BIRDS — Hybrid, sativa dominant. Created by Osama Bin Laden himself. Since when did he need strain names? Maybe he had blue eyes and liked baseball. Definitely loved killing Americans. Remember 9/11! If you forget the WMDs win or something, who knows anymore.

RED HAIRED GIRL WITH BLACK EYES — Sativa. This one is a rush, it makes you want to beat your wife. Just because she has red hair doesn’t mean you have to kiss it. Maybe shave it off and get her a wig, stupid bitch should learn her lesson!

CHOCOLATE QUILL —Indica. Sweet cotton candy followed by sticky sugar in your lungs. Forget Chex Mix, this tastes more like Oreos. Eat a dozen. And get a new toothbrush before bed!

DON JUAN TOKENS—Sativa-dominant, classic Colombian genetics. So out of control and powerful that Snoop Dogg punched me in the face when I offered him a joint. He said some Dr. Seuss rhymes and got into a purple hot rod.

PALM TREE STRIKE SURPRISE — Hybrid. Exactly what it sounds like. You will experience an overwhelming sense of compassion for trees upon smoking this kind bud. You won’t kill them though. A real sucker punch to your arborist career.

TORNADO JEFFREYS — Indica dominant hybrid. It feels like a three ring circus caught fire in my car seat. Massive effects throughout the vehicle. Fire trucks in every direction. Warning!! Large debris rolling along highway. Only bring this one on light wind days. Not worth ruining your shoes!

And the winner is

SCREAMING CONGRESSMAN HIDING TREASON – Indica. Indicates it’s strong. The flavor resembles bitter Alka-Seltzer with multiple unidentified packets of empty peanut butter crackers floating around, making you throw up after each hit. Possibly took place at Funniest Home Videos viewing party.

So there you have it. We’re better than any weed magazine because we talk about things other than weed. Did you know weed has green leaves? I like the song greensleeves. Isn’t monkey a funny word? Want to play Mortal Kombat? Remember to send us all of your money.