Bob Saget Faked His Own Death

Bob Saget is dead? I don’t think so! I saw him at the gas station buying a 6 pack of those nasty donuts that come prepackaged. You know the kind where the chocolate tastes like brown wax? He loves those!

He was buying those gross donuts and a large Mountain Dew to wash it down.

When I asked if he was Bob Saget, he flipped his shades down to his nose and looked at me and whispered “Shut up, don’t tell anyone!”

A Bob Saget sighting for sore eyes

I followed him out to his car, it was your usual expensive rental with leather seats and everything, but you could tell that all the cushions were in great shape, because Bob had worn them all through some really hard times.

I felt bad for a second because he really looks like an innocent family man, but also had the crazed look in his eyes like a desperate man on the run.

“Bob, why are you hiding? I thought you were dead!” I shouted at the top of my lungs. Some lady with a baby looked over at me.

Bob grabbed me by my shirt and pulled me closer.

“Shut up you fat moron! I am running from them!” he said with panic in his voice.

Then he winked at me and said, “Get off my case!” before hitting the car and driving off.

Left coughing in a cloud of dust and exhaust, I began to hum the theme from Full House.

I missed Uncle Jesse telling us to have mercy because it’s obvious that this Bob Saget sighting probably won’t be a first. Bob Saget is a known jokester and what is a greater joke than faking your own death and traveling the country via rental car?

That scenario wouldn’t exactly win Comedy Central, would it?

The conspiracy!

They’re the reason Bob Saget probably faked his own death or maybe this guy I met just looked exactly like Bob Saget. Either way, I’ve decided to keep following along as they search for Bob Saget, because most likely he will return home safe and well-known and deservedly so.

Everyone who thought he was dead now has hope that he will wander into their local gas station and drive off when the bewildered people realize that the man just wanted to eat donuts in peace!

How many people have asked him to do the aristocrats joke over the years? My scientific guess would be 200,000 dozen or so.

The family denies it (proof or ultra proof?)

When I asked the Saget family if Bob Saget was on a donut eating journey across America they told me to “leave their property” and “I’m calling the cops you morbid weirdo!”.
Suspect? I think so.

An online friend suggests that there was another Bob Saget who entered our dimension from his own, he may have killed the original Bob Saget to take over his life. This same friend suggests he comes from a dimension without donuts, hence his reason to enter our dimension — fried bread.

Sounds as plausible as any mainstream religion so I have now dedicated my entire life to studying the donut dimension theory. I will soon get a scientific grant and prove all that doubted me that donuts are worth traveling through space and time for, except if it’s another boring meeting at work! (HIYOO! Work sucks.)

Hollywood hiders

You don’t get to where Bob Saget is without making a few enemies.

It was said that him and Paul Reubens hated each other for years until just last year when some fan made fake photos that showed them together being handpicked by Hollywood heavy hitter, Homer Simpson and joining a anti-Semitic version of The Jawa Brothers all clad in weird little astronaut outfits.

Damning stuff, I’d run too. I’d run for the hills!

Uhh, these aren’t the droids you’re looking for!
CHECK PLEASE! It goes deep, follow the money.

Empty house

What ever happened to predictability?
The milkman, the paperboy, evening TV.
Yes it seems everywhere you look, there’s Bob Saget.

When you’re lost out there and you’re all alone,
A light is waiting to carry you home,
Everywhere you look. Bob Saget.

Manly tears for a funny man who was my TV father

Okay I’m crying now.

I wish bizarro Bob Saget hadn’t been required to kill the real one to eat a donut! Curse you multiverse! CURSE YOU!