The Queen Isn’t Dead!

If she’s dead, what is she doing staring at me from this window?

Fake news, or faked death

The news is saying Queen Elizabeth II died today and you know what? I don’t buy it!

You want to know why? I see her scraping at my window, her crazed eyes filled with malice.

Regal history of violence

She always has been a ruthless politician who didn’t care for anybody but herself. That includes not caring if anybody was alive or dead. She had no time for people unless they could do something to help her.

Jimmy Savile and her were friends, need I say more?

Ok, now she’s banging on the door like it’s a zombie movie. She really doesn’t like when people point that out. Just ignore her like we all are.

Lies then? Lies now!

Now she wants to have someone tell me she is dead. What an insult. Yeah, yeah, yeah, if there was ever anyone capable of living forever, it would be her. In this column we go over a few of her evil powers and how she’ll never truly die.

First off let me start by saying that Queen Elizabeth is the worst. There was this one knight, jousting match in the 1400s where he lost his head. You remember – old guy with a long black cape jumps off a horse? Yep, that guy was her great granddaddy.

Flash forward to today where she commands an army of gargoyles who sleep in the day but do her bidding at night like the flying monkeys from The Wizard of Oz. Let’s not even get into how the British monarchy “anoints” their entertainers. Just ask Britain’s own James Corden.

Her powers are deep rooted in some sort of ancient world necromancy. I’m pretty sure of it because this Geocities page I found talks very certainly about it and that’s all the proof I need to make all of my life decisions.

Someone tell her about freedom of the press

The Queen is now howling like a banshee. She doesn’t want you to notice all of these horrible things about her. I hope I can hit the publish button before she rips apart my cranium for its buttery insides.

If I die I will haunt your graves, so you’d better check on me. Maybe send a box of chocolates to my address instead of just SWATing me all the time, ok fellas?

I’m Just A Poor Boy From A Poor Family

The Queen is flying around eating sparrows out of the sky, I really have to move to a better neighborhood but in this economy an upgrade is no where to be found. Thank goodness there is an inbred royalty hogging up all of the prime real estate.

Time for a bit of refreshments

Ok, I have to sneak out to go to the pub without her clawing the skin off by back, wish me luck. Time to grab me a pint, mates. That’s what we Britons call pouring a glass of beer in the ol’ scumhole. Listen to my accent and cringe with how it sounds like there is a tea kettle in my rectum.

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Writer/Editor. Drinker of Soy. Eater of Soy. Lover of Soy. Don't judge.